Virus
by HeavenlyOoberries
Summary: Riku's unstable mother forced him to live as a girl until he was taken into foster care. Now he wants to learn to really be a boy, and asks Sora for help. But recovery is not so easy and gender is an undefinable thing. Angst. SoRiku, side AkuRoku.
1. Reflections

I'm throwing out the OOC warning right now, guys, because I had to do some significant tweaking. Some ages have been altered. Mostly personalities. This is my imagining of the characters within if they had been this messed up as children. It's called AU for a reason, my friends.

I own nothing, I swear! Not even my own clothes… So I should probably take those off…

* * *

It was raining outside the day they came. Riku couldn't see the rain - the deceivingly ordinary blinds had been nailed shut against the frames – but he heard it clearly. He really did love the rain, something about the way it made him feel more alive. If he closed his eyes, it was like being out in the open, yet surrounded by the protective shelter of droplets.

There had been short, professional knocking shortly followed by his own mother's shrieking. He could imagine her sinking to the ground in front of the door, the way she always did when something _really_ upset her. Of course, he did it too, but only when there was something he wanted.

"Please, you _can't_!"

Voices and footsteps grew closer, heavy thudding of his mother probably crawling her way up the stairs, clinging to their jackets. She was never calm.

"You can't take my baby away!"

Riku didn't budge. He didn't cry. He didn't try to help his mother. He didn't tell the men to get him out of here as soon as possible. He sat there, listening closely for the moment they would push his door open.

Which eventually they did. Predictably dragging the middle aged woman. The people who pushed open his door were incredibly odd to his eyes. Their hair was impossibly short, even pulling back from the hairline on one of them. They wore no colour, no frills or attachments or accessories. Their jackets were long-sleeved, solidly coloured and not form-flattering in the slightest. Most people would understand that they were suits, but Riku just couldn't call to memory any name for them. Perhaps they looked a bit like what mother wore when she had to do something 'very important' (he never heard what it was that she did) but even hers were pulled in at the waist and ended in a skirt, not the loose-fitting, endlessly dull slacks.

Though neither party spoke a word about it, but the sight was equally strange for them. The room they entered was entirely pastels of blue, pink and yellow (For Riku, it had been those colours his entire life, the only thing that changed was the shape of the furniture). It was devoid of what one would tend to expect in a fifteen year old boy's room – posters, laptop, gaming consoles, fart-joke movies stacked against the walls, clothes piled on the floor, watered down attempts at hiding porn magazines and marijuana.

Actually, there was hardly anything in it. A single bed was pushed against one wall, the beside it had only a few notebooks and what looked like three or four full stationary sets. Opposite to him was a rather elaborate vanity, the make up and hair products across it distinctly used. Any clothes he might have had were in the hamper by the door or organized neatly into the half-opened closet. The only things that hung on the walls were what appeared to be professional artwork and a needlepoint of a white kitten. The only sign of a form of entertainment was a small bookcase alongside his vanity. Beyond that, the room was bare.

At the vanity sat what was at first glance, a rather pretty girl.

"I raised her! She's mine!" The mother was still tugging at their clothing, pleading and crying.

"Ma'am, I'll ask you to please calm down. You know very well that Riku is your son." She sobbed again. They were used to this sort of behaviour, it didn't phase them.

Looks were misleading when it came to Riku. To a casual observer, the carefully perfected locks falling to his waist _could_ have been spun from real silver. His figure was lean, as would be expected of a young boy, but the way he held himself was much too… different. Not to mention the clothes he wore – white capri pants, which hugged his legs in odd ways, and the flowing, low cut shirt, complete with ribbon tying just under what would have been breasts.

"Don't take my Riku, I'll die!"

The tone of the worker had grown sharp. This woman just had to be psychotic in some way. "May I remind you that you have a court case you should be preparing for? It is the state's decision, not your own, to have Riku taken into care until such time that you are fit to take him back." If that ever happened, but he was tactful enough to know that wasn't necessary.

Riku wasn't surprised. He knew why they were there. There had been another strange man the week before who came around looking at the house and asking Riku questions. And more than that, he wasn't blind to the bars of his own cage. He knew there was a lot more than this, he just didn't know what.

"Good morning." His greeting was soft, folding his hands into his lap.

"Honey, please tell them you want to stay! I haven't ever hurt you…" That would be pointless, he wasn't eighteen and thus hardly had a say in this. He didn't resist.

"We're from the Child Services office. We'll take you to a new, safer home." It usually took some coaxing, particularly with the ones who were not afraid of the abusers.

Riku barely blinked. "May I bring some of my own things?"

"You're allowed one suitcase. Try to bring only what you need."

His motions were fluid, standing from the chair and pushing his closet door open. He knew he had no suitcase – he'd never been anywhere – but he did have a couple bags. He hoped that would be okay. Silence. No one said much of anything as he began folding clothing and dropping item by item into one of the bags. His mother whimpered and broke down again, beginning to realise that Riku wasn't going to resist them as she did.

The sobbing woman ran for him, clinging tightly to his shirt. "Riku, Riku sweetie, you're not going to take them over your own mother, are you?"

"… I'm sorry, Mom." He glanced carelessly to where she held his clothing. "You're going to snag the fabric."

She appeared stunned by his heartlessness. Not her Riku. This couldn't have been her Riku. _Her_ Riku was always so careful with words, never once trying to offend her. Riku would have at least shed a tear at the sight of his mother in a panic. Riku… she knew he would have protested, maybe shouted at the men if he knew what they were doing. But… none of that was true for this person.

It was only because of that she was able to let go. She didn't want this disrespectful imposter. "You're… you're not my baby… You're not my Riku." She turned abruptly and left the room, still wiping her eyes.

And Riku… still didn't say anything.

"Ignore that, it's a common reaction from parents at this time. She doesn't actually mean that." That at least was true. His mother commonly didn't mean anything she said when she was angry, blurting out whatever she thought would hurt him deepest and then apologizing later. With more tears.

He nodded, packing the last of his favourite clothes into the bag, along with some of his hair products, the most basic of his make up and an old diary he kept locked in his desk. He doubted he would need anything more from this room.

"Do you have more…" The agent searched for the right word to use. "Travel appropriate clothing?" He worried about the kind of ridicule that the poor boy would get if certain people were to see him. Did people in the neighbourhood see him wearing this?

"I'm not sure what you mean, sir." What he had on was comfortable enough. Perhaps people had to wear a certain kind of clothing when they traveled? He sincerely hoped that it wasn't what all of the men in his room wore.

They understood. Like many of the children they saw, Riku may have just not known better. It was the one of the more truly heartbreaking parts of their job. "Never mind that, are you ready?"

He surveyed his room, along with the single bag. "Yes, I think that's everything." They let him walk ahead down to the front door (he could still hear his mother's tantrum). Riku did not walk like an ordinary boy. His posture was held straight, the arm that didn't carry his bag was swaying freely by his side. He didn't shuffle along, each step was clearly pronounced and followed by a small motion of his hips. He was even careful about the way he got into the car, neatly tucking his legs in and staying mindful of his hair, pulling it safely over one shoulder. He didn't like them taking his bag but allowed it when they told him it was just going in the back.

For anyone in that situation it would have been an overwhelming day. He'd been taken from his home – the only place in the world he actually knew – by such unusual people, with no proper warning. He had no idea of where he was going or how he was going to live. The last thing he had seen of his mother for who knew how long was her crying and telling him that he wasn't her son. Riku couldn't help but feel…

Well… nothing.

* * *

The day had gone by before he knew it and he hardly remembered a thing. He remembered the leather smell in the car, the face of the building they had finally pulled up to, and waiting a long time in a chair for them to finish with something. At some point they had given him food, which he politely declined and soon after they brought him up a flight of stairs and into another room, kindly telling him that they would allow him to get settled in.

Since then he'd been leaning against the wall for he-didn't-know-how-long. He thought to himself about the day, and almost cried once, but the feeling passed. He didn't have it in him to cry right now, even though he used to be so emotional.

He'd tried to muster some emotion, but still felt nothing. He was beginning to wonder if something was wrong with him. That would be unfortunate…

He was able to comprehend that he would be living here now. Some of his books had spoken about orphanages, but this did not seem like one. For one, it was not a dark, musty old building. No one was running around in greying nightshirts playing jokes on the cruel woman watching over them or being forced to sweep the floors well past the point of being fair (he'd never understood why so many people who hated children ran orphanages). He was in a room on his own, not a long military-style bunker containing far too many beds. This place looked like his house in many ways, only about twice as large.

A short knock at the door and Riku pulled away sharply, hurrying to sit on his bed. He couldn't be caught in such an unsightly position. It seemed every person he saw today was going to confuse him more than the last. This person was tall and cold-looking, blonde spikes sticking up in ways that defied logic – surely he must have had far too much product in it. He couldn't imagine why anyone would want to destroy their hair like that, but at least he had the decency to wear clothing that did his figure justice.

Riku crossed one leg neatly over the other and tucked some hair behind his ear in a modest gesture. He still wasn't used to people, but this man didn't give him looks the same way the workers before had, like he was strange. "Will you… have a seat?"

"No thanks." His tone was short, he wasn't accustomed to that manner of speaking. His tone left little room for explanation or interpretation. What he said was what he meant. "My name's Cloud. I'm one of the owners of the house and regular staff. I'm usually the one to check on newcomers. Do you have any questions?"

Riku had endless questions. He shook his head.

Cloud didn't question it. He never did. "Basically I'm going to explain some things about the house. If you don't get it all, just ask or you'll get reminders."

"Certainly." He didn't need to say anything, it was only a formality.

"Alright. First thing, this room is temporary. We've learned that you were very rarely around people beyond your mother, so we aren't going to move you in with the other kids until you're ready. After you get used to things, we'll introduce you to some children at a time so you can get used to them. Then you'll be moved in with a roommate."

Riku didn't like that he was being treated like a patient. It only furthered his believe that something was wrong with him. He was beginning to worry… "I'll have roommate?"

"Yeah, another kid about your age most likely. We've got ten kids here now and not a lot of extra rooms, so everyone doubles up. This is the spare room, and the only kid's bedroom on the second floor. In the basement we've got the laundry room and rec room, so that's got television, movies, some games, pretty much all of your entertainment. First floor is the bedrooms, kitchen and dining room. We've got a private kitchen and living room as well for when you want to be alone."

This was getting difficult to process, but he tried to keep track. He doubted he would leave this room too soon, though.

"Second floor is the master bedroom where my partner and I sleep, a library and study, and the 'quiet room'."

"What is a… quiet room?"

"What it sounds like. A number of kids in foster care went through traumatic things growing up, and they can be subject to 'attacks'. When they need to be separated from the others, they go up to the quiet room to calm down."

"Oh…" Riku wasn't sure he wanted to live with people like that.

Cloud only nodded. "Also upstairs is the Psychological Recovery office. The children who went through those traumatic things or anyone who is having problems coping can speak to the psychiatrist who comes in every weekday."

"Am I going to have to go there?"

"Yes, but I'll explain that in a minute." Inwardly, Cloud sighed. He never spoke this much apart from introducing the new ones. He didn't like to speak more than was necessary.

"Rules are basically the same as any house, but we do run on a schedule. We have three meals a day at eight, one and six. There's also some drinks and snacks that you're allowed to take if you need, but we'd prefer it if you didn't eat between meals" Easy enough, Riku wouldn't do that anyway. "Laundry days are twice a week and if you miss them you'll just have to wait. We have separate curfew for the younger and older kids, all you need to know about the young ones is that their weekday lights out is eight and we ask that the older ones are quiet after that."

Riku nodded, he didn't exactly see why he would need to be loud here.

"For you, weekday curfew is nine, lights out is ten. On weekends curfew is eleven and lights out is midnight. I don't care if you sleep or not once lights are out, as long as the others aren't being disturbed. On special occasions we do let everyone stay up later."

He always got his weekdays and weekends mixed up because for him nothing special happened on a weekend. He knew this was the case for most children, though. "Will I be going to school? Mother taught me at home."

Cloud knew that from the investigation and shook his head. "In foster care kids are moved around regularly, so we don't bother enrolling them in formal schooling. We have tutors come in as the kids need them." He was pretty sure that was all for rules. "Anyway, if you ever need anything just shout for someone. We can hear from every room in the house. Or you can find a staff member and ask them directly. Any questions?"

Riku almost stuttered, almost used 'um' or 'er', but he didn't. They were not real words and thus shouldn't be used in conversation, he'd been taught. "May I ask where the washrooms are?" He blushed a little, he wasn't supposed to talk about such things, particularly to a stranger.

Cloud on the other hand, did not seem to care. "There are two on the second floor and another between this bedroom and mine. There are empty drawers, but if you don't want other people using your things I wouldn't keep them in there." He stood up, retrieving a small pad of paper from his back pocket and a pen.

Oh… he didn't realise the people here were the sort to use things without asking. It seemed rather rude to him. "Is that all, then?"

The blond man nodded, jotting down something and tearing the page off. "Your first appointment with the psych is tomorrow afternoon. The office is just across the hall and he'll be expecting you so just knock. After that they'll be every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. We'll add more or lose some depending on what you need."

Riku was surprised. Mildly, though, he still felt very little. At any rate, these people seemed to be doing a lot just for him. He would have turned the help down if they didn't have authority. He knew his place and thus did not say anything. "What sort of thing are these appointments?"

"It's not my department, but I think they're mostly check ups. Just asking you how you're adjusting unless there's something you need to talk about." Cloud was heading for the door. He would really like to give his vocal cords a rest and get to bed.

"Oh." He noticed immediately that Cloud seemed to want to leave (he was unusually perceptive sometimes. "Goodnight, then."

"Night." Riku only realised as he closed the door that he should have asked what he was meant to call him, but it would be simply barbaric to shout after him. He also should have thanked him. His mother would have scolded him for his manners.

He glanced towards the clock. It was much later than he thought and if he didn't sleep soon it would imbalance his system and show under his eyes. He couldn't have that. He lifted himself gracefully from the bed to find his bag. He'd packed a small, almost silky nightgown. He wasn't too fond of the design, but the texture of the fabric felt good against his skin. Riku didn't own many skirts besides this, his mother had decided he looked better in dress pants and skinny jeans.

He tied back his hair to protect it and – every move still delicate – climbed under the covers. With all the thoughts in his head, he knew immediately that he wouldn't sleep well tonight.

He wondered why they picked him, how they knew about him and his mother. As far as he knew only a few select friends and family members even knew he existed, and he'd never met anyone who lived beyond the tall fence. He knew his mother hadn't always taken the best care of him, but he didn't see why everyone gave pitying or distasteful looks. Had he done something?

Riku couldn't tell if he would like it here. The home had everything he needed, and it sounded very nice, but he worried about the other children. Would they hate him, or think something was wrong with him? What if one of them had an 'attack' because of him? What sort of things had they been through that he didn't know about?

Finally, he had to wonder still why he felt so little. His entire life he'd been quick to cry, get annoyed, feel passionate or excited. Yet in the past few weeks it was as though his spark had gone out. He didn't feel like doing anything he used to enjoy. He spoke to his mother less and less and anything he could have thought of to do or say… he just didn't want to… he just didn't care.

He almost cried again that night… but not quite.

* * *

It was the first time Riku had stirred all on his own, no alarm or parent to tell him what time to get up. To his horror, it was already past noon. He never slept so late at ho-… oh, he supposed this _was _home now.

He sat up, carefully brushing his fingers over his eyelids (he never rubbed his eyes, it was terrible for them). He was a bit surprised to notice that there had been unfamiliar clothing laid out for him. By the look of the opened closet it seemed that they intended to give him an entirely new wardrobe. He didn't need _that_.

Apparently he was supposed to wear one of the two outfits that had been set out for him. But they were so very different. One was very plain, jeans that looked as though they would be too loose in every respect, and a striped t-shirt. It looked very much like some he had once owned, but it was much larger than those and did not taper in.

The other set contained jeans, but these would rise lower, fit tighter, and create much more of a body-shaped curve to his legs. Along with it was a belt shaped like a chain of flowers and a seafoam colour tank top that would clearly fit him snugly. Yes, he liked that one much better.

'_I should go downstairs for lunch. I can use the private dining room, I think. It would be rude not to…' _And he'd learned years ago that it was not proper to starve himself, whatever the situation.

He was lucky not to encounter anyone on his way downstairs, though he did hear other kids for the first time. Or perhaps he just hadn't been paying enough close attention yesterday. The doors were clearly marked and it didn't take him long to locate the dining room. He felt awkward as he sank daintily into one of three chairs, waiting until someone would bring him his meal. He was used to preparing it himself, and he didn't mind – he liked to in fact. Perhaps he would ask later if he could help earn his keep by assisting in the kitchen.

It was relaxing to have Cloud be the one to bring him food. He'd already encountered more people in the past two days than the past six months before that and he was having quite enough of it. The food itself was mediocre - made by a child, he guessed – but he did not complain and within half an hour Cloud came back in to escort him to his upstairs appointment.

Riku didn't think he wanted to do this. He'd never had to speak to a psychiatrist before and he hardly knew what they were. He was nervous. Sort of. He would rather just not speak at all and carry on his existence here without bothering anyone, but Cloud had already knocked for him and ushered him inside the door.

As little as he knew about psychiatrists, he was almost certain that this wasn't normal. There was an ordinary looking sofa, a desk across from it, but the person who sat at the desk was so small and frail… she couldn't have been older than _him_.

The blonde woman (girl?) stood up to shake his hand. "Good afternoon, Riku. You can call me Naminé."

"Good afternoon." The greeting was automatic, as was the somewhat-guided motion to sit down on the couch. He wanted badly to ask her age, but he knew that sort of question was as appropriate as asking for her weight or measurements.

Naminé sat back at her desk and thanked Cloud so that he could go. She took out a large notepad (honestly, the thing was half her size. It looked more like a sketchbook. "It's nice to meet you. I've heard about your situation."

He wanted to ask what exactly the situation was, but he didn't want to look so helpless. "It's… nice to meet you as well."

She smiled warmly… it was eerily calming. "You don't need to be so formal. This is a safe environment, and I'd like to know about the real you."

What did that mean? He didn't know what he could do but agree. "I'll try. I'm not really sure how to do this…"

That was a normal for the first time kids, she only expected as much from someone she heard had been so sheltered. Riku's appearance alone told her enough about the initial problem, but her job was to find out how he felt about it and the specific experiences that caused it. "Why don't you start by telling me how you feel today."

Riku felt as though what remaining feeling he had was sucked away. Was she _doing_ something to him? "Bored, same as yesterday."

She jotted something down. "Are you getting used to the new home?

"I suppose. I only just moved in, I haven't had time to adjust yet."

"And you haven't met any of the other children yet?"

"Not yet." He crossed his legs. Naminé wrote something again.

"I guess you will meet them soon enough. Now the point of these sessions is to find out about your past. Today we just want to know a little bit about you, though." She tilted her head a bit. He felt like her eyes were looking deeply into him. "Do you have any questions before we begin?"

"I don't think so. I'd rather you asked the questions."

"If that's what you want. So from our information we know that your mother tried to raise you to be… somewhat of a daughter to her, rather than a son. What we don't know is how and why. Do you want to talk about your mother?"

Riku's eyes lowered. "No, not today."

Naminé respected his wish and did not ask him again about what his mother had done. She was more interested in the way _he_ felt. "So tell me, Riku. Do _you_ feel like more of a boy or more of a girl?

That offended him. He didn't know why, but it did. "I feel like myself."

"And what does that feel like?"

That caught him off guard but he did not retaliate. Her voice was always gentle and soothing. It was like she was putting him to sleep. "It's like… nothing. I don't feel anything. I used to feel a lot."

"If you could think of one thing you _do_ feel, what would it be?"

He had to think on that for a while. "Confused. I don't understand the people around me, or why I seem strange, or why I suddenly have just no emotion."

"I believe it's normal to be confused now that you're growing up, but we won't get into that."

"Why not?"

"It's quite complex, and I want you to do the talking right now."

Riku frowned, but he wouldn't growl or complain. "Well… that's how I feel."

"You said you don't find pleasure in most things you did before. So what sort of things do you enjoy doing?" Again with the scribbling on her notepad…

His answers were getting shorted. "I don't remember."

"You don't remember?"

"I don't think I like to do anything."

She frowned a little, pitying. "I see. What sort of things did you like to do as a child?

"I suppose… I liked to sing and play the piano… dress in different kinds of clothes… I was given a lot of dolls by my mother. Sometimes I liked to run and climb things."

"Did your mother often let you run or climb?"

"I was allowed to run, but she didn't like it when I climbed anything, so I didn't do it when she was around."

She nodded. This was interesting. "If you can remember, would you say you played games that were more literal or did you use your imagination more often?"

Riku didn't understand that question, but he tried to think about it. "I remember playing dolls with my mother and we would give them names and make them talk."

"And did you enjoy it?"

"Yes, but sometimes I wouldn't be able to think of something to day anymore."

"And what would you do then?"

"I told her I didn't want to play anymore."

Naminé jotted this down. She would have to approach the next statement carefully. "I don't know if you're aware Riku, but most of the activities you described are traditionally done more by young girls?"

"Are they…?" He didn't think he was that different from other boys…

"I'm not saying you were wrong for having enjoyed them. Were you not often allowed to play sports or physical games?"

"I don't know what kind of games you mean. Mom didn't like me playing outside because I would mess up my clothes or make the house dirty. I had a skipping rope that I really loved back then."

She nodded a bit, "I'm sorry I have to ask you these hard questions, but your answers are quite helpful. Can you tell me what a woman is to you?"

Riku blinked and briefly considered his answer. "Women… have female body parts… and can give birth to children."

"And men?"

"Men have male body parts. They usually grow taller than women, they can have noticeable facial hair… and they don't have children."

She was a bit surprised. "Is that all?"

He tensed up, burying his face and trying to think harder. "I know there's supposed to be more, but that's all I really think. Any more and I just mix them up."

She flipped the page, passing her notebook and pen over to Riku "Can you draw me what you think a man is and what a woman is?"

Riku didn't like all of the odd things he was being asked to do, but obediently took them both. He held the paper away from her eyes while he drew the figures, taking a few minutes before handing it back.

The two drawings on the page could have come from an anatomy textbook in terms of their body shape. The only thing that seemed out of place was that the man and woman had identical hair and clothing, both very feminine. She studied it for a moment. Riku was feeling more and more unnerved.

"Have the men you've met so far looked strange to you?"

Could she read his mind? "A little, mostly they look like they're boring."

"I see." The page flipped back and she began to write again. "How do you feel about those men? Or rather… how do you feel about men as a whole?"

That offended him again."I am a man."

"So you do feel that you are male."

"Yes." Did she not expect him to?

"Was there any point in your life that you didn't feel this way?"

"Do you mean I thought I was a girl? No, I guess not."

"But did you feel specifically like you were a boy? When you were a child, say?"

He was getting annoyed with her questions. They hardly made sense and he felt like she was expecting him to say something… he just didn't know what. "I don't know what you mean by _felt_ like a girl or a boy! I have a penis, so I've always known that I'm not a girl."

Her expression was level, perfectly calm. "What I mean is, growing up, did you feel separate from your mother based on your gender?"

"I said I didn't want to talk about her."

"We're not talking about her, we're talking about you."

He sighed. Quietly - the noise was not pleasant to the ears. "... Not because of my gender, mostly because she was older than me. I didn't feel like I was different from her… I guess until I was about twelve."

"Really? Why then?"

"I don't really know. Looking back I must have noticed that I was growing up differently from her."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Strange, I suppose… I looked more like the Ken dolls I played with than the Barbie dolls. Then mom taught me about the differences between boys and girls."

"What did she teach you?"

"I don't remember well… she explained reproduction and what boys and girls look like when they grow up. Should there have been more?"

"Well, that is the basics of a sexual education course." She glanced at the clock. Only a few minutes remained. "Now, we discussed a little about how you didn't see many people and you probably aren't used to them. Do you want to meet other people?"

He paused for a while. He didn't really feel anything one way or the other. "I don't care. If you bring them to me I won't get mad."

"Would you speak to them?"

"I don't know, probably not."

"Why?"

"… I don't know."

She frowned a little and wrote this as well. She would have to wrap this up soon…

"Final question. Today you were given clothes that are usually worn by females and clothes that are usually worn by males. Why did you choose the ones you did?"

He honestly had no idea why. The other clothes were… for boys? Or was it girls? He thought they were just loose and boring. "No reason, really. I just liked these better."

"Would you find it strange to wear the 'boys' clothing? Would it bother you?"

So he was wearing girls clothing even though he was a boy? Was that weird? "I don't think so. I just said, I like this kind of thing better."

"You did. I'd like you to do something then, Riku. Our next appointment is the day after tomorrow. I'd like you to wear the boys clothing all day before you come in to see me. Can you do that?"

"Sure, does that mean we're done?"

"Yes, we're finished. It was nice talking to you."

He stood up fairly quickly. He wanted to get out of here. His head ached, he felt even more confused than before. Was he really not supposed to wear this then? There must have been something wrong with him because he felt fine wearing these clothes. Sometimes they pinched in places but he thought that was normal. His mother had told him he was beautiful and always encouraged him. He felt…

Betrayed.

He waited until he left the room to whimper quietly, clutching his chest. He wouldn't cry around strangers… Was that not normal either? He quickly crossed the hall to 'his' room, shutting the door tightly. He changed his mind, he did want to see other people. He wanted to know how different he really was and _why_.

He didn't notice two identical pairs of blue eyes watching his movements from behind the railings of the stairs. They ducked out of sight as soon as he passed.

Roxas glanced toward his brunette twin. "Who was she?"

"I don't know… someone new, I guess."

"Well obviously. Is that the one Cloud told us we couldn't meet yet because they were all messed up about people?"

Sora pouted. "_Roxas_. Don't call people messed up. You should know better, especially with-"

His tone was sharp. "You don't know anything about it, okay? Wasn't that person supposed to be a guy though?"

"Maybe he is. It wouldn't be that weird."

"Speak for yourself. Agh, I hear someone." They weren't supposed to be spying.

The two dropped down from the edge of the stairs and raced each other back down to the rec room.

* * *

Ooh! What a shock! Sora has made an appearance… in a… RikuSora story…

…So maybe that wasn't very good foreshadowing.

Um... I got a few comments on Nothing's Call that people like my writing style. It's a bit different in this one, please don't shoot me! It's just because this is a lot more srs business. Also Riku doesn't have the emotions to write about. (He's a nobody, get him!)

This is rated T right now just to generate some interest in it, but it will change. There might be some heavy stuff you guys.

Let me know what you think! My self-esteem is totally depending on it! No pressure, though : D


	2. Strangers Like Me

Disclaimer #1 I own nothing, I make no money. Jazz hands.

Disclaimer #2 I've never been in foster care, so everything about the system and the house is coming out of my ass or from movies. I've only been to professional therapy once or twice, for completely different things, and personally I thought it was bullshit. So that is also mostly made up.

Disclaimer #3 The point of this story is 100 percent NOT to say that boys acting like girls or vice versa is bad. It's more to look at the nature vs nurture side of it and see how Riku's upbringing conflicts with his inborn hormones. Plus all the 'normal' guys look different than he's ever seen. You'd be confused, too. Seriously though, gender roles are for chumps.

Also, for a truce, in Virus it will be Squall, and in Nothing's Call it will be Leon. Everyone happy?

* * *

In two days Riku had been given more things that he wanted than he could ever remember receiving at home. Of course he'd been happy when his mother gave him anything, but she did tend to buy things without asking.

He'd been given an entirely new wardrobe, the styles of clothing yet again mixed. The clothes appeared to be secondhand, but they felt more like _his_ than anything he had owned before. He still ate every meal in the private dining room. No one seemed to mind and he made sure to show up perfectly on time and clean off his plate at each meal. When he'd asked for reading material, he'd been given a small stack of books. Enough to keep him occupied for at least the week.

But it didn't. He couldn't read. He tried over and over to lose himself in the story but it was impossible. He was far too preoccupied with what was going on _here_, _now_, in the real world.

He still hadn't met anyone beyond Cloud, and also a man named Squall, whom he'd learned was the other owner of the home. They escorted him to his meals and back. He really didn't go anywhere else besides the bathroom, and it would be improper to have an escort take him there. He blushed a little at the very thought.

They both looked so different from anything he'd ever seen. He felt like he didn't understand something that he really should. That he was missing something critical. He _ached_ inside to comprehend it all, and it only confirmed his belief that something must be wrong with him.

Was it this confusing for everyone else? He couldn't be sure…

He wanted to learn, he really did. He just didn't know how. Cloud had assured him that it would be at least a few more days before they introduced him to the other children. He was impatient, though. Would curling up on his bed and staring at the bland paint on the walls for that much longer really make a difference?

He was curious. _So_ curious. But he kept his place.

Once in a while he would try to read again. He found himself rereading the same sentences several times before he absorbed anything. It was impossible to concentrate. As deeply as he loved what he read, all he saw now were the characters. His mind unintentionally measured the males against the females. What really separated them? And how? What made Emma so very different from Mr Knightley? He could understand that the ladies were wearing dresses mostly and seemed to look a bit different. But he just couldn't pinpoint what it was about their actions had something to do with their gender.

As far as he could see they spoke with the same words, they appeared to walk and eat and behave the same. The only differences he could see were those of personality, but every character's personality was a unique in some way, not just those of males and females!

He didn't understand. He didn't understand at all. What was this secret to behaving 'boyish' or 'girlish'? How many traits of each did he possess? How many should he? It was terribly confusing…

Though the clock was there he had little concept of time during those days. He really had no idea whether it was passing slow or fast. He hadn't even changed out of his nightgown. How unsightly. Only two days and he was letting his dignity in his appearance slip.

Once in a while he glanced at a clock just so he didn't miss his appointment today (though he was sure Cloud wouldn't let him forget). There wasn't much more time now…

That, he supposed, justified getting changed. The clothes he had chosen last night were already neatly set out on the end of the bed. Boy's clothes (apparently), as Naminé had asked. There wasn't anything especially offensive about them. They just seemed so… dull. Unflattering. Nothing interesting or pretty about them. They would probably just look strange on him.

But Riku was one to do as he was told. In most cases.

He let the nightgown slip to the floor. Even the briefs he'd been given looked odd to him, but he slipped them over his hips. Honestly there was much more… room in them. That was significantly more comfortable around him. Was this the way that underwear was supposed to fit. They weren't decorated or all that pleasing to the eye, but he felt much less, well, cramped.

Simple denim followed. He sat back on his bed to slip the pants on – it was just degrading to hop around on one leg attempting to get himself into them.

He was a bit surprised that it required no kind of fight to get into them. No awkward tugging at his hips or legs. The jeans fit somewhat loose around him, not quite enough to fall. They practically _billowed_ around his legs though. There was no shape to them at all! How could anyone find that appealing?

Though… they were much more comfortable. There was no strange, awkward shape around his hips. They seemed to just hang loose from his hips down. He was quick to notice all the strange and different ways they fit on him. To the credit of the clothes, they _did_ seem to fit the shape of his body more appropriately.

At the very least, the shirt they provided him seemed to have some respect to it. The material was not so crude, like the other 'male' clothes he'd been given. It was a fine, crisp white fabric, not _quite_ silken-soft. Beyond that, it was underwhelming. Just a collared button-up, not even a ridge or accent to the fabric.

He wore it anyway, sliding the open shirt over his shoulders and reaching to do it up from the bottom. He moved to slip one of the buttons in– hold on a minute, he was grabbing one of the holes. The buttons were on the wrong side! Perhaps some kind of malfunction. Who knew…

It was a bit uncomfortable to adjust the motions of his hands. He was so very used to doing up the buttons on the proper side. Unimportant, though, as he glanced into his mirror.

In his mind he had built it up to be worse. He looked… incredibly out of place, compared to what he was used to. But it wasn't _bad_, he supposed. It looked almost like he was still wearing some kind of odd pyjamas, they were so loose. Comparatively, anyway. Though… they didn't pinch his waist, or bunch up in strange places, forcing him to constantly be arranging his clothing. The fit wasn't too bad, at any rate.

He just looked so… bland.

Perhaps he could only wear these when he wanted to feel relaxed. If he felt more concerned with comfort than necessarily looking his best. Yes, that sounded reasonable.

He wasn't sure that he understood why Naminé wanted him to wear them. He was wearing the clothes now, but he felt as much like himself as he had a few minutes earlier. Though he was hardly ever like _himself _anymore. Was something supposed to happen. Was he supposed to have an epiphany? A sudden inspiration? A breakdown? Well, she would probably bring it up first thing during his appointment.

He didn't wait for an escort this time. He wanted to do as much as walk across the hall on his own. He glanced quickly outside the door to make sure no one was wandering through the halls (it would be too stressful to meet someone by accident), and darted across to the psychiatrist's office.

Riku knocked and waited for a moment. Only a few seconds and he already needed to play with something - the ponytail in his hand – and quickly tied his hair back without a thought. He finally felt something. Nervous… he was nervous.

The small blonde finally opened the door. "Ah, good afternoon, Riku."

He nodded, the only response he could immediately think of. Those strange eyes sucked the thought out of him… "I'm not too early, am I?"

"Oh no, this is a perfect time to start our discussion." She motioned him inside. "Have a seat."

He slid onto the couch – it felt as foreign to him as it did yesterday. Naminé appeared to glide into her chair in her unsettlingly graceful way. The oversized notebook was back in her hand. He wanted her to ask about the clothes.

"Tell me how you're feeling today."

Alright, perhaps after that. Riku crossed his legs. The fabric didn't crease as nicely behind his knees."Still bored, I suppose. Starting to feel restless."

She had a feeling there was more, but she would stay on one subject. "I understand you can't move freely through the house until you've met the children."

"Clearly. I'm allowed to wander early in the morning if no one is awake."

"What sort of things would you like to do then?"

She could already predict the answer. Riku shook his head. "I don't know."

"There were a number of writing materials found in your previous room. Would you like having things to write and draw with?"

What was the point of these questions? It had nothing to do with gender or his confusion. Or… anything, really. "No. I haven't got the creativity to use them."

"Did you before?"

"Not really. Sometimes mother would ask me to write her a poem or draw her a picture, but I've never been good at it."

"But you felt an obligation to her to do it?"

Riku didn't like this. It sounded like she was implying something. "Of course. She's my mother and I loved her."

Naminé's eyebrow raised. She didn't mention his use of tenses, though she did make note of it. It was pointless to bring up something so small. "If you could play games in the rec room in private, would you like that?"

His voice was getting steadily more tense. "I wouldn't know what to play."

"Then would you like to watch the television?"

He blinked. "I've never watched television."

Her pen flew across the paper more rapidly, but that musical voice was still calm. "Really? Do you know why?"

Was that a bad thing? She was suddenly acting as though she had stumbled on a clue. But he was sure that wasn't so unusual. And _why_ wouldn't she ask about the clothes yet? It was nagging at his mind constantly. "Mother had one in her room, but she told me it would be bad for me. Only adults should watch television because it will teach bad lessons to children."

She continued writing, but offered some sympathy. "Yes, some parents feel that way. Did you ever try to see something? When she was away, for example."

"Her room was always locked. I never really cared to watch television, anyway."

"But you do have books. Do you like to read?"

Riku was getting sick of these pointless questions. But he wouldn't speak out. It would be too impolite. "Yes, somewhat. At least I used to."

She nodded. "What sort of things do you like to read?"

He kept his tone short, impatient. "Adventures, mysteries, sometimes romances."

"If we could get you more books or give you access to the library, would you like that?"

Riku glanced down. There was a very slight guilt that he couldn't accept any of her suggestions. He just didn't _want_ to do anything. All he wanted right now was some kind of answer or even mention that he had done what she said and wore the clothes! What was the importance of it all? Still, he held his tongue. "No. I can't concentrate."

"Why is that?"

His fists clenched at his sides. She wrote something down. "I only look at the characters now. I try to see what makes males and females different."

"And have you found anything?"

"…Well, no. It's not easy to decipher."

"Don't forget that a character's actions and speech are guided entirely by the author. Characters aren't always like real people."

"I've always known that. Characters have quirks and the ability to say things that real people would usually avoid. Still…" He paused, not quite comfortable with saying it. "This is… the first time I've felt that fictional characters might be more normal than I am."

Naminé frowned, quickly jotting that as well. "I take it then you still feel confused about yourself."

"Is that surprising?"

"Of course not. Would you say you feel more or less confused than the last time we spoke?"

What was the point of asking that? Would she not bring up the clothes yet? "More. I don't understand what it means that I was 'raised as a girl'. I want to know what's so strange about me."

"You think you're strange?"

He sighed. "I don't know anymore. The men I've met in just the last couple days don't look like anything that I'm used to, yet they act as though I'm the abnormal one."

"Do you feel that they act differently?"

"Maybe. I don't see much beyond their strange clothing." Would she bring it up _now_?

She scribbled something. "It might take practice and you have limited experience. Do you ever feel uncomfortable in the way you act?"

"Do you mean I do things that I don't want to? I don't think so."

That might not have been true. He did withhold certain things for the sake of being polite, but it was so second nature to him that he didn't consider it to be something he forced himself to do. Was it difficult for other people to be polite? Was it unusual?

He had to ask. "Why? Is the way I act so out of the ordinary?"

"Perhaps to some people, but it isn't a negative thing. I don't want you thinking that so we won't dwell on it."

Why did she never explain the things she did? Her questions, suddenly deciding to change her subject. What was all of this revealing about him? He felt exposed and uncomfortable when he could even understand what he was being asked. Or _why_.

She flipped to a new page in her notebook. "Do you want to discuss your mother or your past today."

He wasn't sure. Perhaps she would ask questions that actually made some sense. "Maybe a little. Not too much, though."

Naminé considered the easiest question to begin with, not wanting to frighten him. "Could you tell me about your earliest memory?"

"I-…" He wasn't sure what that could be. There were small flashes of things as a child. Faces, colours, blurs he couldn't make out. Nothing specific.

He sat back for a moment, closing his eyes and scanning his memory. Something concrete. Something even worth talking about.

_A dark room. Someone-… No, his mother hunched over a desk. The room, he didn't recognize. Everything was a bit blurred at the edges. Nothing was clear except her. There was something in her hand. The phone?_

"It was a call from my father."

She almost looked surprised. "Your father?"

_Cold. Dark. The sound of heavy sobbing. _

"Yes. It must have been the last call she got from him."

_Everything looked so big. Her lips were moving, but he heard no words. Only crying. Endlessly crying. She always cried…_

"Do you remember anything that they were talking about?"

"No, nothing. Just seeing her on the phone."

"How do you know it was your father…?"

That froze him. "Well… I don't know. I just think it was."

It seemed that she'd accepted this because she didn't question it again. She just wrote something down. "What happened then."

_The phone slammed down. Darkness. Sudden warmth. His mother was holding him. Her grip was too tight. Her tears soaked his shirt and it was cold. Her hair tickled his face. He wanted to squirm._

"_-Okay-… be okay…"_

"She hugged me, told me that everything would be okay."

"_Beautiful… my beautiful Riku…"_

_It was getting too hot. She was shaking her head. _

"_Everything… buy-… new-… nothing-… you-…"_

"She said that I was beautiful. She was going to buy a new house… everything new. Nothing would trouble us, and-…"

_He didn't remember if he said anything. His small arms slowly wrapped around her shoulders._

"_We don't have to worry anymore."_

"We don't have to worry anymore. That's all I remember." He didn't see the point. The memory told him nothing. He didn't even remember it all that clearly. Why couldn't she ask something that explained anything?

Naminé, on the other hand, found this very interesting. "What was your father like?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Have you never met him?"

"I don't think so… Not that I can remember."

She was writing again. "Do you think your mother felt resentful of him?"

He'd never really even thought about his father. To him, he had his mother, she had him. That was just the way their family was. He'd never been a part of his life, so why was she asking now? "How should I know that?"

"What did she say about him? Anything that implied she was angry or upset."

"Mom never talked about him."

"Not ever?"

"Not to me." He folded his hands in his lap, not sure what to do with them.

"So do you know anything about your father?"

He didn't want to talk about this. He didn't see the point. He wanted to talk about something useful. He wanted her to ask him about the boy's clothing. He wanted her to explain why she told him to wear them. But he wouldn't… he _couldn't_ interrupt…

He pursed his lips a bit, trying to think of something. "No, not really. I don't know his name, or who he was. There were never any photos in the house. I'm not sure if he ever lived with us…"

"Interesting." She noted this, setting her notebook down in her lap. "Riku, a child's bond with their father can be very important. Of course families with both female parents can live happily as well, but for you, you've been cut off from any potential male figure in your life."

Riku's voice strained with attempted calm. "Is this… really necessary?"

"I really would like to speak to you about your father."

His smile cracked. "I don't understand why, I never knew him."

"The father-son relationship is a key in-..."

"I don't _care_." The small cracks in his composure were too much. He shattered.

Naminé's eyes widened marginally as Riku stood up abruptly. "I don't _want_ to talk about it! I want to know why you made me dress like this!"

He flushed a little. He wasn't at all used to yelling like that, or acting so impulsively. He hadn't even _thought_ before the words left his mouth. In all honesty he was shocked at himself.

But that didn't matter. He still wanted to _know_.

The small psychiatrist's voice was soothing. "Now calm down, Riku. Tell me how you feel-"

He was nearly shouting now. How embarrassing. "I don't _want_ to talk about how I _feel_, I want you to tell me _why_!" He wasn't thinking anymore. His mind felt like a child's.

"Please try to calm down…"

He was only repeating, tone juvenile. "I don't want to!"

Her voice was surprisingly commanding this time. "I think we need to cut this session short."

Riku froze. He deflated a bit. "Um… I'm sorry, you don't have to…"

"I can see that you're not focused enough today. We'll speak about this again when you've had time to relax. Maybe once you're more adjusted."

"I'm adjusted just fine-…!"

"Riku, please. I'm ending the session."

"W-… Well… _fine_! I'll just _go_." He was huffy and nearly shaking. Even _he_ didn't understand why he felt so affronted at that. He just narrowly avoided slamming the door (it would be barbaric) as he stormed out and back to his room.

Riku felt blinded. He couldn't understand anything. He didn't know why everything was so confusing and distressing to him. Something was wrong with him and no one could tell him what it was! He didn't like dressing in strange clothes or answering questions about what he wanted to _do_! He never even asked to be here! Nothing was this difficult at home! And _this_ wasn't-… this _wouldn't_ be his home.

The door shut. He picked up the first thing his hands found and threw it across the room. His books followed, a little of his frustration alleviating with each thud against the wall. He couldn't stand this endless not knowing! He couldn't stand them all tip toeing around him like he had some terminal illness. He wasn't _sick_. He wasn't _hurt_. He was just… just… himself!

"I-… I-… Damn it!" He stunned himself. He had never cursed out of anger like that before. He'd been punished the last time he dared utter such filthy words.

It only upset him more. He picked up a jewellery case from his vanity and flung it against the wall as well.

It fell away. He'd left a hole in the wall. Oh no…

He'd shouted at Naminé. He must have been disrupting everyone downstairs. Now he'd damaged their property. What had come _over_ him?

Riku sat back on his bed, silent. He let his hair down from its ponytail, nervously brushing his fingers through it. Slowly, he tried to breathe. This wasn't like him at all. He'd been so different since getting here-… no, that wasn't quite true. For months he hadn't felt like himself. And still, he didn't know why.

He clenched his fists, breathing deeply and forcing himself calm.

* * *

_May 4__th_

_It has now been over a week since my arrival. I have yet to meet the other children, though I was recently told that it would only be a day or two more. I am not sure how to feel about this. Nervous, perhaps. _

_I think I might like to make a friend. I had Mom before, but the men and women who came by the house never stayed long enough for friendship. Perhaps I will be closer with people my age. It would be nice to have one of those lifelong friends. A kindred spirit, as Anne would say._

_Despite not being able to move around much, I've learned one or two things about the… home… or orphanage, should I say? I don't think many of the children are orphans. I wonder what I'll be able to learn about them…_

_The very first thing I noticed was the food. It is nutritional enough, but not the best tasting. I can't imagine young children wanting to eat it. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to at that age. Perhaps I could meet the chef and have a quick word. Only advice, it would be hurtful to complain._

_I've now experienced one weekend in the house and it was much quieter. Squall tells me that the children are allowed to go on outings as long as they ask permission. The younger ones need supervision, but at my age I could go out on my own. I'm not sure I want to…_

_At any rate, once the others are gone I'm able to roam downstairs as I please. I've been into this 'rec room' now. It wasn't very exciting. A television and what I imagine are accessories for it, some games on tables and the like. It would probably be more interesting to little ones, but I don't know. Do most people like things like that?_

_Another thing I've learned is the so-called quiet room is hardly ever 'quiet'. I've heard someone go in there during one of the 'attacks', as Cloud calls them. It was a bit frightening, to tell the truth. I hope I don't have to run into that person…_

_In my brief glances outside, I have seen a few of the other children. A couple of small girls run around downstairs quite often. They can't be older than eight maybe. I wouldn't mind looking after them from time to time._

_There's also a pair of boys who look close to my age. I've only seen them once and the resemblance between them is uncanny. They must be brothers. They were getting in trouble with Squall when I saw them, so perhaps they wouldn't be the best choice to befriend. _

_There's a boy with very strangely coloured hair who I can't guess much about. His hair is red as blood! And spiked in such an odd manner, too. I can't imagine ruining one's own hair like that. And beyond that he's put marks on his face. In plain sight! It's unbelievable…_

_Cloud doesn't come to my room as often now. It's almost as though he's avoiding me. Have I done something wrong, I wonder?_

A short knock at the door interrupted his thoughts.

_Regards._ Riku jotted quickly before setting his pen down and shutting the diary. He couldn't think of much more he had to say, so the timing was perfect. Though… he was certain he didn't have an appointment today, nor was it time for a meal.

Squall's familiar figure entered the room. Riku had found that he quite liked the stoic man. He was still strange to him, but oddly likable in his quiet, to-the-point ways.

"Good morning." The silverette's greeting was gentle. He tucked some of his hair back, hoping he didn't look as though he'd been lazing about all day. At least he'd thought to get dressed – in boy's clothes today, he was alternating.

Squall didn't hesitate, as usual. "If you feel ready today, I'll take you to meet some of the children."

"Yes, I think I'm ready." He was nervous, but still he'd been anticipating this from the start.

He stood, checking himself quickly in the mirror. He knew by now that he didn't quite look like the other boys he'd seen. Everyone was different, right?

Squall halted him briefly. "We thought it would be best if we introduced you to the boys and girls separately. Who so you want to meet first?"

Riku paused. Would it be better for him to see the girls first, if he was apparently more similar? No, he was too curious now. "The boys first, please."

He wouldn't question why Riku wanted it. If he felt ready, he would meet the boys first. Squall escorted him out of his room. He muttered something to Cloud, who started down the stairs first.

"They'll just be downstairs in the living room." Squall rested a hand on Riku's shoulder, slowing him for a moment. "There's a few rules for when you meet them. They'll introduce themselves, but don't ask questions beyond that at first. If they look or behave in strange ways, don't question that. Some of the kids have been through some hard things and it affects them. Absolutely do not ask anyone about their past unless they invite it."

Riku nodded. "I wouldn't."

"Didn't think you would, but I've got to cover that with everyone." He indicated for Riku to follow him.

He door opened to the long, fairly plain room. In his mind Riku had worked it up to be a very, strict structured process. Probably all of the boys in a straight line by height, or age or something. But it wasn't. There were a total of five boys in the room - three on the plush couch and one in each of the end chairs.

Squall hushed their chatting. "This is Riku. He's the new addition we've spoken about."

There was a sort of lazy murmur of greeting. Riku was playing with his hair again self-consciously. The redheaded one on the couch was concealing laughter, he could tell. He forced his hands to drop, colour filling his cheeks. He wasn't sure what to say, so he waited, allowing someone else to speak first.

Squall gave the laughing boy a hard look until he rolled his eyes and quieted. "That's Axel. He's seventeen, making him the oldest."

Axel grinned. "Lucky you, you're rooming with me." He didn't care that he was supposed to be _sensitive_ about his past. As soon as the adults were gone he was going to torment Riku endlessly about how _girly_ he was.

One of the identical boys perked up – the brunette one. He was balanced on the arm of the couch. That was such an improper way to sit, even if his brother and Axel took up the rest of the couch. "My name's Sora, and that's Roxas."

He smiled a little. Riku had unusual charm. "Nice to meet you."

"The twins are fourteen, just a year below you."

Riku couldn't help himself. "You're twins? I've heard of twins, but I've never actually met any before."

The blond one – Roxas – shrugged a bit, glancing at his brother. "Yeah, we get that a lot. It's not like we tried."

Oh, was that offensive somehow? "Oh, well… no, I just thought it was interesting." He glanced at his feet. He shouldn't have said anything.

Sora kept up that big smile, though. "It's not a problem. Sometimes we get tired of it, is all."

He would keep any questions he had to himself then. Or maybe he could just ask once in a while. The idea of twins fascinated him. He'd read about the relationships between them before and he was admittedly a little jealous. It would be nice to have someone his own age always around like that.

The other two boys must have been younger. They couldn't be quite into their teens yet, maybe eleven or twelve. The sandy blond one swung his legs over the arm of the chair. How was that acceptable. "I'm Hayner."

Opposite was a small, stout boy. "I'm Pence and um… yeah… hi."

Riku offered him a smile as well. "Good to meet you, Pence."

His job technically done, Axel got up and left the room. If he stuck round he would just end up making fun of Miss Riku in front of Squall and getting himself into trouble pointlessly. He saved getting punished for when he really wanted something first. The others could deal with the awkward first meeting, not being able to say or ask anything.

Riku backed off a little as the twins stood up as well. There were so many more people at once than he was used to. He was beginning to feel light-headed.

Sora was _still_ grinning. How was that even possible? Did it hurt? "So Riku, now that you can come out we can all do stuff together. We're gonna go to the pedestrian market on the weekend and watch some street performers. And some time soon we'll go to the movies. You want to come, right?"

"I-… I don't know. Maybe not yet." The movies he'd heard of, but he wasn't sure what a pedestrian market was. Was it like the markets mentioned in his novels? But those were set hundreds of years ago, did they still exist? He didn't know the outside world very well at all.

Roxas was right next to his twin at all times, it seemed, but he didn't wear the constant smile. "You'll probably have lessons with us, do you know when they start?"

"W-well no… should I?"

"You haven't been told about the tutoring schedule yet?"

It really shouldn't have been getting so difficult to hear. Riku was feeling more and more dizzy. He hadn't failed to notice the looks they'd all given him. They clearly weren't like him, and he wasn't blind. He'd known one person his whole life – the rest were just ghosts which faded in and out, never staying long enough to leave an impression. Now he was faced with a room of strangers – even if he knew their names, he didn't _know_ them.

He was afraid to speak. He'd thought it would be easy to. But now… he didn't want Sora and Roxas to be friendly, to try to talk to him. Maybe making friends wasn't such a good idea. He wanted to be alone again.

"I… suppose not." He croaked. His mouth had gone dry. He swallowed hard, painfully and glanced toward Squall. "I-I want to go back to my room. _Now_."

He immediately understood. Honestly, he and Cloud had been anticipating this result from Riku. Poor kid, his mother really had damaged his social skills. At least he had met the boys now (though it probably would be wiser to start with the girls). One day at a time he could begin to make visits, even for short periods of time.

Sora finally frowned. "Is he okay?"

"Riku will be fine, he just needs to be alone now."

Roxas muttered something about barely even speaking to him, but Riku didn't care. He relaxed significantly when Squall (finally) began to lead him back to his new safe haven. He hadn't thought of it that way a few days ago, but compared to this…

Those boys didn't look like him. They all dressed in these dull and boring 'boy' clothes. They carelessly flung themselves over their seats in ways that he would _never_ allow himself to do. Their manner of speech was not like his own. Everything down to the way they held themselves just looked strange to him.

But they weren't strange. They all behaved that way. _He_ was the different one. _He_ was the freak…

So, there really was something wrong with him.

* * *

Before anyone brings it up, yes, I did screw with the ages a bit. Basically all of the characters are teenagers, and realistically the place would have kids of all ages. So Kairi isn't going to end up being a boylove separating plot device, unless Sora is a pedo.

Riku reads Jane Austen apparently because… I dunno, I felt like it.

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	3. Two Worlds

So this is extremely, extremely late. I was in Alberta for a week then with some friends for a few days and then FanExpo immediately followed by getting ready for school. It's been some crazy days since then between painting my new room and getting a little electrocuted trying to set up a dryer. But I hopefully will not be this late ever again.

**Warnings ahead: **Axel is a very not-nice man in this fic, and he's got his reasons. Roxas goes through major mood swings, and I mean major. Discussion of things not suitable for the little ones... but who am I kidding they know it all anyway. Also an out-of-place happy scene in an angsty story.

* * *

"How are you today?"

"Well, I could use some more sleep, my back kinda hurts, and I've got a really bad itch on my left-"

"You know what I mean."

He tapped his fingers on the edge of the couch. "Bored, horny. Same as always."

Naminé sighed disapprovingly, though to quietly to be heard. "I take it you didn't hear the news."

"What news?"

"Reno didn't make parole."

Axel kicked his legs up over the edge of the couch and Naminé gave him a bit of a look. "No shit he didn't. He'll be locked away 'til he's an old man." Considering the number of children his idiot brother fucked up, he deserved a life sentence. But he didn't murder anyone or commit felonies against the country, so he wouldn't get it.

"How does it make you feel? Disappointed? Relieved?"

"What do I care? Even if he got out he wouldn't see me with your security."

"Don't you think he would go back to his business?"

"Probably, he knows there's money in it."

She was writing in that fucking notebook again. Axel hated that he couldn't see what she was writing about him. He could guess, though. Whatever it was, it added up that he'd been fucked in the head.

She lifted her pen from the paper. "You're not concerned by that?"

He tilted his head back. The only thing on the wall was her degree. When would this be over with? "... Nah, what do I care about some kids I don't even know?"

"Really, Axel, after everything that happened to you..."

"So? Their life, not mine. How am I supposed to care about every kid out there getting fucked in the ass by grease-ball politicians who say they're against gay marriage?"

Naminé's expression didn't change. She wrote something else. "Please watch your language."

He grinned a bit. "I'm supposed to be myself in these meetings, right? If I censor myself, what's gonna stop me from lying too?"

It was a battle she had been losing since Axel arrived. She let him have that, for now. "So how are you feeling about it then?"

He'd just have to make this clearer for her. "If Reno rots in jail, then good for him. If he gets out, then he's hopping the state and selling kids again. If he can get away from the police long enough to do it."

"I see." She took note of this. Axel never responded well to questions of emotion. It was only the physical side with him. An effect of his childhood, to be sure. "How have your 'urges' been?"

"Didn't I just say?"

"I was hoping you would be a little more specific."

"You want specific? Okay, then. All I dream about, all I think about during the day, and all I want to do right now is grab someone cute, shove them against the nearest horizontal surface – or even vertical surface – and pound into 'em until their screaming or I get off at least. Whichever comes first. And I do mean that literally. _That's_ how I'm feeling."

Unfortunately, she would have to write all of that down. Axel could be so vulgar. "And has this gotten any more or less strong since we last spoke?"

"It's always the same."

"The medication we gave you hasn't been helping?"

How would he know? He never took it. "... Maybe a little." But he could lie flawlessly; it was pretty much in his contract. "But how are head-drugs supposed to fix that? It's just what my body knows."

"The aim is to give you focus on other things in your life."

"Like what? I'm a foster kid, I'm in therapy once a week and don't even want friends. What's so great about my life that I have to pay attention to?"

She wouldn't start this discussion. "Regardless, that's what you have them for."

He was completely toneless. "Well thanks, they're a real big help."

"Please Axel, there's no need for sarcasm in these meetings."

His eyes rolled up to the ceiling. "Come on. You know drugs aren't going to cure me. You said so yourself that going through puberty with anything means it'll be part of you."

"It isn't a cure, or we wouldn't still be having discussions." She crossed her legs neatly, unreadable eyes settled on him. "Now, how many attempts have you made to reach orgasm or a form of it recently?"

"It's a different number every day. Yesterday it was eight, the day before was twelve."

He couldn't quite tell, but she seemed to flush the faintest bit. "And how many of these attempts were... successful?"

Axel smirked. "You make it sound like I'd leave a job unfinished."

"...I see. And you've been doing it in the methods we agreed upon?"

"Just hands and tissues, ma'am." Eh, that was questionable. But she didn't have to know that.

Naminé sighed again. "And you don't try any methods to eliminate the urges beyond getting the actual satisfaction?"

"Cold showers are a myth. They don't work."

"And it doesn't work to channel your energy to doing something else?"

"Clearly, Nam, you've never been a guy."

She knew that he used to try to distract himself. It wasn't until he'd reached his teens that he gained this much attitude. Up until about a year ago, he really did make attempts to listen to what she said. As hard as it was to believe now. She had thought they had made real progress. It seemed that teenage hormones had set them back to square one. Axel didn't even to want to help himself anymore.

So - yet again - she moved on. She knew the importance of not distressing her patients, particularly children and teenagers. "The last time we spoke you mentioned that you had been getting some flash backs. Do you want to tell me about those?"

He knew she was going to bring that up. That's therapy for you, can't do anything without it looking like a huge deal or trying to _reach out for help_. Bullshit. "It was nothing major, just like thinking back on it. I just thought about some of the guys I used to know for the first time in a while."

"The children or the adults?"

"Adults. I hardly knew the kids and I don't remember them that well." He stretched a bit, yet again glancing at the clock. "And it's all the same stuff I told you about last time."

"Do these memories come with the feelings of arousal?"

"Nah, they just come up when I think about them. I don't do much _thinking _when I'm turned on, y'know."

She didn't comment. She didn't want to. "Do you think the memories trigger the stimulation?"

"Nothing 'triggers' it, I'm just clinically horny."

Naminé shook her head. She would note it as related anyway. "How do the memories make you feel, then? Do you experience the same sort of emotions you felt when they were happening?"

"You don't know much about the trade. You don't feel a thing at the time, it's just a job. Thinking about some assholes I used to know doesn't make me _feel_ anything."

"Could you tell me about the memories specifically?" It would be a lot easier if she could get a real, live reaction from him.

"Not much. Talking to me, trying to sell the whole thing like a business promotion or something. Told me how much money I could make off of it. Then he talked to Reno about some 'safety' contract or somethin'."

"That's all?"

"Basically."

She frowned a little. Axel would never give her any emotional response. "Do you feel resentful towards him?" It would only be logical if he did. Then again, Axel was rarely logical.

"Maybe a bit. Then again, the way things were, I probably would have done it too. Reno had good business." He snickered.

"I wish you would take this seriously, Axel. The addiction you have is as concerning as any drug addiction."

"Well what? I'm not running around getting STDs. I'm not hurting anyone, so who cares?"

"You're hurting yourself."

"That's funny, I don't feel too hurt."

She gave him a long, hard look. Eventually, she glanced away to make a note. "I'm going to ask someone to monitor your dosage."

He sat up quickly. "Oh come on. I'm a big boy; I can take pills by myself."

"I know you can. My concern is whether you _will_." Naminé rarely stressed words. He was in trouble now.

"Alright, send me the babysitter then. Are we done here?"

"Yes, but I'd like to ask you about one more thing."

He was already on his way to the door. "Yeah, what?"

"The new boy, Riku, is going to be moving into your room soon-"

"Yeah, no touching, I know. He'd freak the fuck out if I even came close to touching him anyway. What a fucking chick."

"Axel." Her tone was almost harsh. But not quite there.

"Is that all?"

She didn't want to let that go, but it was true she had nothing more to say. "Yes, that's everything. You can go. See you next week."

He gave a short nod before heading out into the hall. Therapy was such a fucking waste of his time. Naminé never got anything out of him. He was guarded, and his constant arousal wasn't something that needed to be _discussed_.

Speaking of which, he was feeling the burn in his abdomen again despite having just dealt with that before heading into the meeting. Well, it wasn't as though doing it again would be such a chore to him. He would rather have a body, though. It was just so much better with someone else doing it to him...

* * *

The thing about twins is they tend to share at least some of their senses. For Roxas and Sora, it was hunger. They were always, _always_ hungry at the exact same time. Even if one of them had eaten between meals. It was a little spooky.

So, as was their usual routine, the brothers found themselves searching the fridge for a snack together. Riku's slight outburst had been a couple days ago, but it was still fresh in both of their minds. Growing up with basically only each other, they tended to share most interests. Both of them were curious to get to know Riku. Roxas was just a little more distant about it.

But the thing that mattered right then was their hunger.

Sora pushed aside the milk and bottles of ketchup and juice. The good stuff was always hidden in the back. "Hey, look!"

Near the very back there was a small covered bowl of pasta. It was the kind with a lot of cooked vegetables and pieces of cheese and totally orgasmic dressing. It was pretty much the one thing that Yuffie made well, and everyone wanted it. Usually staff members tried to hide it in the fridge and save it for themselves. But they had found it first.

"Sweet, how much is left?"

Sora reached back and opened the plastic container. "Not much. Probably only enough for one of us."

…

At once the death match was on. Neither twin was one to give up easily and the concept of getting less in order to share was a bit lost on them. They both wanted it, and only one was going to get it. So they would have to fight for it.

Almost hilariously serious, Sora extended one hand. "Rock, paper, scissors?"

"Best two out of three?"

"You're on." They both put out their fists out, staring each other down.

"Rock, paper, scissors!" Roxas held out two fingers, Sora still held his fist out. "Round two. Rock, paper, scissors!" Sora kept to his tactic with rock while Roxas's palm flattened. A tie so far.

He gave his brother a look. "Are you just going to pick rock every time?"

"Huh? Ye-… I mean, no. One more time!" This one would be the tiebreakers and as far as they were concerned, the stakes were high. They stared each other down. One could almost hear the wind rushing around them, blowing tumbleweeds around and whatnot. It shouldn't really have been as intense as it was.

"Rock, paper, _scissors!_" Roxas was holding out two fingers. So was Sora. "Aw, way to ruin the suspense! One more time. Rock, paper, scissors!"

Sora held out 'paper' this time. There was less than a second of pause and Roxas held out 'scissors' "Hah, I win!"

"Dude, no fair! You totally looked at what I was holding first."

"I did not."

"Did too!" Sora was pouting. Ugh, not the pout. It was too powerful. It had sometimes been known to bring grown men to their knees. If Sora went up to the tyrannical leaders of two countries at war and just pouted at them there would be peace on Earth. Anyway.

"Fine, one more round."

"No! We're going to play a game you can't cheat at. And we'll find someone else to watch." Clearly, he took his pasta very seriously. He tugged on Roxas's hand. They were sure to find someone in the rec room – there was always _someone_ in there. They carefully hid the food again before they left – couldn't have anyone else eating it while they were competing for it.

Sora burst the door open. Hayner was the first one they saw who looked like he wasn't doing anything, lying back on the couch, tossing a ball up into the air and catching it again. The younger boy tended to side with Roxas more, but it would do. "Haaayner, can you help us with something?"

"Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eight-… Aw, you made me drop it. I was trying to beat my record." Hey pushed his legs higher, swinging his weight forward to sit up. "What is it?"

"We're just trying to settle something. 'Cause Roxas is a cheater-…"

"Because Sora says I'm a cheater."

"Yeah, anyway. We just need to break a tie."

Hayner was used to these antics. He'd known them for half of his life. "Okay, um… I'm thinking of a number. Closest without going over wins."

Dang, there wasn't even any challenge to that. Sora was used to battling with his twin for what he wanted. "Okay… Five."

Roxas's hands slid into his pockets. He wanted food just as badly as Sora did, so he'd play these stupid games. "Eight."

"It was seven, Sora wins." He went back to his game of throwing-the-ball.

"Awesome!"

Roxas sighed. "I still won rock, paper, scissors. It's a tie."

"You did not, you cheated." Sora stuck out his tongue before marching off, ready to claim his prize.

"Come on, Sora. One more game. Winner take all."

Sora considered for a long moment. He tilted his head this way and that (mostly for show). He would be kind of a jerk for stealing the prize if Roxas really hadn't cheated. But he really, really didn't want to share. A competition would be more fair, so the winner could be decided on skill and not chance. Plus it would be fun, and he was pretty darn bored today. "Okay, but it has to be a really good game. Maybe basketball or something." There was a court in the park down the street.

Pence put down the game controller he'd been holding. The house had one out-of-date gaming system but everyone wanted to use it. It was pretty much the best thing in the house. "I can think of a game if you're up for it. I need a minute to set it up, though."

Roxas and Sora glanced at each other, speaking in unison. "Sure, we'll go for it."

* * *

Pence and the feuding twins stood at the top of the second floor stairs. "Okay, so first you run down the stairs, then around the back to the linen closet. Each of you grab a pillow, then go once around the dining room table – it's a check point, so you have to flip something down so I know you were there. Then you ride the cushions down the stairs to the basement. The computer room is your next check point, so you have to type your names into the open document. Then you go through the rec room, and you have to scale both chairs and the couch. Hayner's watching to make sure you do it." Pence took a sharp breath.

"Then you race back up the stairs to the laundry room. Olette's in there and she'll give you each one of her teddy bears. You have to get it into the hampers across the room, and you can only do it from the distance she's standing at. And from there it's a sprint to the kitchen. Whoever gets there first wins."

Sora and Roxas briefly stared. Pence had really planned this out. He always did make up the best games though. The blond twin couldn't believe he was about to do this, but in a way it did seem… sort of fun. And he wasn't a bad sibling, Sora was his favourite person and thus the one he wanted to spend time with the most. _And _wanted to compete with most. He didn't know how he was going to remember all of those instructions.

Sora was pumped. He hadn't played an awesome game like this in a long time. And he was so confident that he would win. He'd never say it out loud but secretly he'd always been just a little bit better at sports and games than Roxas. That pasta was his.

The two took their places on either side of the staircase, Pence just behind them. "On your mark… get set…" They were both so tense. "And wait a minute…"

"What?"

"Just kidding. Get set… Go!"

Step for step, they tore down the stairs, Sora stumbled once but made up for it whipping around the corner of the railing first. Roxas panicked, picking up the pace and gaining on his twin, pushing him up against the edge of the staircase.

Pence frowned, calling down to them. "Hey, this isn't a contact sport!"

They didn't hear apparently. Four hands wrapped around the door handle of the closet, fighting one another to shove it open. A piece of paper on the door read _'one cushion each'_ in permanent marker. So that's how they were going to remember each step. The twins were nearly crawling over each other. Sora popped out first, holding a thick couch cushion under one arm. Roxas was an inch behind him, running for the dining room. It was significantly harder to run with these…

Sora shoved open the door, circling the table easily. Roxas's steps were uneven with the awkward shape of the cushion. Seriously, how was he totally unaffected? There were two stands, meant to hold napkins, lined up on one side of the table. Each held one playing card. On the table was another one of Pence's notes: _'Checkpoint! Tip them over.'_

The brunet twin couldn't slow down in time and bypassed the first stand entirely. He jutted one hand out to knock over the next. Roxas followed suit, tipping his over. He got a mischievous idea then. Taking his chance with wasting another second, he grabbed Sora's and tilted it back up again, speeding up immediately after and rushing past him. It wouldn't have worked if Sora didn't happen to glance back that same second. "Hey, Roxas! That's cheating."

With an uncharacteristically playful grin, Roxas called back. "Wasn't in the rules!"

"Geez…" He had to waste valuable seconds to double back and knock it down again. Oh well, he'd been holding back on his running anyway. If that was how he wanted to play. He wouldn't cheat, though. He could totally win without cheating. Unlike Roxas.

He had to work to catch up with his brother, who looked like he was having trouble getting down the stairs. Psh. _Sora_ was the cushion-stair-riding _master_. He didn't take into account that they wouldn't really both _fit_ on the stairs together, angling his cushion to ride smoothly down with a sort of whooping war cry. Predictably, they crashed. Sora's cushion creeped over Roxas's, knocking them both off balance. The brothers tumbles off their stuffed vehicles, heads colliding as they fell the last few stairs to the floor.

"Oww…" Sora rubbed his head, hoping for some comfort. But Roxas's competitive streak was too strong. He'd already leapt to his feet (also rubbing his head and swearing colourfully) and bolted for the computer room, as told by Pence's next note: '_Checkpoint! Type your names into the open document.'_

Winning this game definitely made them worthy of that pasta. Roxas threw the computer room door open as Sora was still sorting himself out. And stopped abruptly. "Cloud?"

The other blond was sitting at the computer, turning back and raising an eyebrow. "Yes? Do you need something?"

"Get off the computer! I need it for a second!" Sora was up and gaining on him.

"What are you two doing now?"

"I just need to type one word, Cloud, come on."

Cloud gave him a look, but relented, sighing and pushing his chair away from the computer. He'd rather give it up voluntarily than have them break it. But considering the things they'd done before, they still might. Roxas was already opening the document, fingers over the keys. But Sora was right on top of him, butting him to the side and starting to type. So maybe he did cheat a little bit.

"Hey!" Roxas shoved back, typing. Sora's fingers were still on the keyboard, typing nonsense just to screw it up. "Stop it. You're going to break it." But still they shoved at each other, slamming down on the keys and typing up a screenful of gibberish.

Cloud stood up, voice stern and verging on harsh. "Both of you. That's enough." Their hands left the keyboard instantly. They did a lot of things, but they did _not_ mess with Cloud. He demanded too much respect just by being… himself. "Get out now."

Sora tried to pout for him. "But Cloud, it's a contest. A race."

He remained stone-faced. _Damn,_ he was strong. "I don't care, you're not damaging the computer over a game you're playing. Leave."

"But we have to or it doesn't count."

There was no arguing with Sora. He didn't often see logic. "Fine, go one at a time."

"That's not fair-…!"

He rubbed his temples. "And you both stay here until you've done it. Then you can go again. And don't break anything else."

The twins sighed as one, grumbling their respective acceptance of the terms. Sora went first (because Roxas would probably cheat again if he let him. He deleted all of the garbage they'd written, typing in the four letters and going to stand by Cloud. Roxas's eyes were narrowed, but he followed suit. "Please keep this up so they know we did it."

Cloud obliged. "You kids." He pulled his chair back to the computer. Typing up taxes or legal documents or whatever boring stuff adults did on the computer.

The nearly-mirror twins called a truce until they reached the door, Sora calling out, "Ready, set, go!"

Sora had the speed advantage, pushing past his brother and whirling around one of the end chairs (_'Climb over the chairs and the couch.'_) It was more of a trip-and-fall-over combination than a climb, but he got over it – and hit the floor. Hayner (the rec room referee?) helped him to his feet, as Roxas bounded over the chair with the ease of some kind of mountain goat. Sora had speed, but he had agility. He gained the lead climbing over the couch while his spikier twin slipped and fumbled his way along. Now confident, he nearly leapt right over the last chair. Sora pulled himself over it – a bit faster, he was getting better at this.

They were a second's difference from being neck-and-neck as they mounted the stairs. Sora moved up on all fours for speed. Laundry room. Laundry room was next.

Roxas was running out of breath, but of course his Energizer-bunny twin was having no trouble at all. He couldn't slow down! He was almost in the home stretch, so he pushed himself just a bit more. They skidded into the tiled room, and as promised, the small girl handed them a pair of her teddy bears (she actually made them herself, talented kid). There was only one laundry hamper and it was on the farthest side of the room. This would be easy. They played one-on-one at the park all the time.

Olette counted them down. "Two, three, go!"

But teddy bears are not like basketballs. They misjudged the distance and the force required, both missing several times and having to collect the bears and dredge back to Olette's starting point more than once. Bruised pride, much. Again, they both took aim, their throwing angles different. They weren't the same in all respects.

Both flew in a smooth arc across the room. They were right on target – no way they could miss now! Roxas's borrowed teddy bear (sigh) landed smoothly in the hamper and-… knocked Sora's off-course. Hey!

"What? That is so cheap!" Sora ran to gather his again. There was no way that Roxas would wait for him. Desperate this time, he pitched it in on his first try and took off after his brother.

They were both in a full sprint. Both hated to lose. Both wanted the prize. Sora had speed but Roxas got a headstart that time. Gah, he wasn't going to make it! No way!

With something resembling a tribal war cry, Sora dove for the ground, capturing Roxas's leg. The blond had no time to cry out before they crashed to the floor in a heap. "What the hell, Sora?"

"You cheated first!" He rolled on top of his brother, pinning him to the floor. One arm stretched up past towards the fridge. He would get the pasta if it killed him. Roxas grabbed his arm, twisting it down and pushing himself off the ground and half onto Sora.

The twins rolled across the tiled floor, battling each other with the playful viciousness that only siblings can manage. One would get the upper-hand and reach for the fridge again only to be wrestled back to the ground. Sora managed to force Roxas back into a corner but his arms weren't long enough to reach and in a moment his legs were knocked out from under him and they tumbled back to the floor. There were more than a few punches thrown, without any _real_ intent of hurting each other.

"You always do this!"

"You started it!"

"Well you're always cheating!"

"You're just too scared to-… Ow-...!"

"Oh, sorry! I mean, you're just the bad twin!"

"You're the one who wanted to play!"

"Because you'll eat it all!"

"Look who's talking!"

"Nu-uh. You ate all the cookies we left for Santa every year!"

"That was six years ago, Sora!"

They threw more and more brotherly insults at each other as they struggled. They seemed to be more in it for the fight now than the prize itself.

And that was how Axel found them as he wandered into the kitchen. He stepped right over the feuding two and watched them briefly. Lazily, he catcalled. "Take it off."

Roxas glanced up rather quickly, only to be tugged down by Sora again. Urg, damn him. "Lay off the-… twincest-… comments…"

"I'm not the one doing the homoerotic wrestling on the floor. What are you doing anyway?" This wasn't what he needed right now, he was horny enough as it was. At least getting a drink would help his dried-out throat. No thanks to stupid cock-teasing twins. He gave Roxas a knowing look and opened the refrigerator door.

Like flicking a switch, both twins bolted upright, crying out together. "Don't-…!"

"…What?" He raised one oddly-short eyebrow, grabbing a bottle of blue-coloured pop.

There was something behind it. Another one of those Tupperware containers. And what appeared to be inside… Another bowl of that pasta stuff.

There had been two servings the whole time. Enough for both of them. The blond and the brunet twin exchanged a glance and collapsed on each other, exhausted and starting to laugh.

"'Kay, I don't get it." Axel twisted the cap off and started to drink. Roxas and Sora were still sniggering at how ridiculous their fighting had been as they helped each other up and reached for their individual servings.

They pulled another chair up to the small kitchen table and started to eat. Axel joined them, swinging one arm over the back of his chair. Sora grinned like a fool toward Roxas. "It's kinda nice when we both win."

"Speak for yourself. You sound like a kids show." He shoved his brother a little.

"You guys are whacked." He could sit with the twins long enough to finish his drink. They were good enough eye candy. Probably more distracting than the soda in his hand. Shame that Squall and Cloud didn't keep any alcohol in the house. At least none that was accessible.

Sora laughed. "You're one to talk, Axel. Look in a mirror some time."

"Hey Rox, punch your brother again for me." He grinned a little and the two younger boys laughed.

Axel was sometimes a little too crass to hang around with, but he must have been calm today. He had disturbingly little consideration for others. It didn't help that he was impossible to read and always seemed to be on a different plane of thought than everyone else. In a word, Axel was unpredictable. Of all the children in the home, the redhead ended up in the 'quiet room' more than anyone.

Their talking and joking was interrupted by a soft voice. "Excuse me…?"

All three at the table looked towards the door. Riku had cautiously made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen. He was too thirsty to avoid it any longer. Nervously, he fiddled with his overly long hair. He had really been hoping that no one would be in here. "I was told that I could find something to eat or drink between meals here. Is that alright?"

They were all looking at him. He wanted to shrink under their eyes. He wished he hadn't chosen to wear what he now understood were 'girls' clothes. He'd immediately gotten rid of the very few skirts in his wardrobe once he learned about those.

Axel snorted briefly, getting up from his chair with exaggerated grace. With a sneer, he mock-curtsied to him. "Oh, of course, milady. We'll just finish setting up the tea party for you. We all bake something lovely for the occasion and wear our best freshly-pressed dresses."

Riku didn't understand what all of that meant yet, socially, but he knew enough to be aware that Axel was making fun of him. Half of him wanted to run back to his room under the pressure, but a strange other part of him longed to fight back against it. He stayed silent.

Axel dropped his emptied bottle on the counter and made for the door, where Riku still stood. He gave the feminine boy a long, intense look before stepping out of the way. He smirked. "Ladies first."

Sora protested. "Axel, don't be cruel."

He ignored it, glancing back once before he left the room. "See you later, Rox."

The blond sighed a bit, going back to his snack. Neither of the twins were impressed with Axel's behaviour. "Sorry about him..."

Sora finished his sentence. "…He's an idiot. Don't listen to what he says."

With the hesitance of a stray cat, Riku took the first few steps into the kitchen. He wanted to say that Axel was right. He was different, and therefore worthy of teasing. But he did not want to call attention to himself as though he thought he was important enough to do so. "I will… keep that in mind."

There was a span of tense silence. They knew now that they had to be careful around Riku. He was clearly nervous. They didn't know much about him yet but it was clear that he had been through some hard stuff.

Riku hovered near the table but didn't sit down. It might upset them if he did so without invitation. If he started to look through the cupboards, he could unknowingly grab something he wasn't supposed to and they would think badly of him. Anything he did unexpectedly wrong could set him off right now. This was venturing into unexplored territory for him.

Not surprisingly, Sora was the first to speak. "We're sorry for scaring you the other day."

He wished he hadn't brought that up. It was embarrassing to Riku. Obviously that was all they could think of him as now. The strange one who dressed in girls clothes and ran away from people. He didn't blame them, they couldn't have known anything else about him. He wanted to change that image. "I should apologise, you did nothing wrong."

Roxas supported his brother. "We probably come on kind of strong. I don't know."

Riku's hands wrapped his own arms in a nervously defensive position. "Not at all. I must admit that I'm not used to people." He felt almost as though he was arguing with him, which he shouldn't have been doing. At the same time, he needed to explain himself so they would not think badly of him.

But the twins did not appear to be offended. Sora especially remained bright and reassuring. "That's okay! You don't need to be scared of me and Roxas. We're nice."

Roxas scoffed. "Debatable." He was bruising from their wrestling match. He tended to bruise like a peach. For whatever reason, his skin was lighter and a bit more delicate than Sora's. It would be emasculating if his brother's overly bubbly personality wasn't even more laughable.

He knew he shouldn't have been, but Riku was beginning to get anxious again. He was over thinking each statement and looking for underlying meaning. No, he couldn't let himself do that. He would get past this. Steadily, he curved his lips into a smile for them. "I'm sure you are. We should try to start over and get better acquainted."

"Just what I was thinking! We can start slower this time. Right, Roxas?"

The fairer twin was a little more perceptive and could tell that Riku was on the edge of panic again. He didn't want to be here when that happened. As friendly as he tried to be, the drag thing still made him slightly uncomfortable. He stood from his chair. "You can go ahead. I should actually go."

That part was true. Axel had given him an indirect order to see him, and he wasn't patient.

"Oh right, you and Axel were supposed to hang out. See you later."

"Later."

Now it was only Riku and Sora. Fewer people was easier, and Sora seemed to put the least pressure on him. He liked to talk, and he could do so enough for the both of them. "So, you were going to get food or something?"

Riku looked away from where Roxas had left. "If that is… acceptable."

"Course it is! Don't worry about it, you can take anything from the fridge or the cupboards you want."

"Really…?" He didn't expect people to put so few restrictions on their things when he was technically a guest.

"Yep. I'll help you pick something, even. I know the best stuff here."

"Oh, thank you." He remained standoffish, but it was getting harder when the younger boy was so warmly welcoming him. "I'd just like a drink, I'm not hungry."

"Sure thing." Riku seemed like one of those proper-type people who didn't drink pop, so he avoided it. He didn't really drink the juice except when he was forced to (ew, fruits and vegetables) so he wasn't sure what would be considered 'good'. "How about lemonade? We've got this really awesome kind with strawberries and little lemon bits."

That actually sounded good. "That's perfect. I've never had strawberry lemonade."

"Really? It's the best - It's like sweeter than the regular stuff." He reached for it, handing it to Riku. "The glasses are in the cupboard there, you can pour it for yourself." He bit back a teasing comment that he wasn't a babysitter. He probably shouldn't joke around with Riku yet if he wasn't used to people. He wondered how much he did and didn't know.

"Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me so much, you know."

He had a feeling that someone told him that already. "Oh, is that bad?"

Sora shook his head, taking the lemonade back to its place once Riku had finished with it. "No, it's nice but not necessary. All I did was get you lemonade."

Riku had to smile a genuine smile at that. "I suppose so." He glanced at the door. "If I can take this upstairs, I'll leave now."

"You can, but you could also stay and talk a little longer." Sora tried to coax gently, taking his seat at the table again.

"I'm not sure…" His insides were already tense and squirming with this much interaction.

"You don't have to. It's just that I'm having fun talking to you."

"You're having fun?"

It wasn't fun like having competitions with Roxas or joking with Axel. And it wasn't fun like playing video games with Hayner and Pence or being a 'big brother' to Kairi, Olette and Selphie. But it was still fun. "Yeah. You can just stay long enough to finish your drink if you want."

"That might be alright." Cautiously, he took the seat that Axel had been using. If he was going to get used to people, it made sense to start with someone calming like Sora.

"So, um…" Sora didn't know where to start. He wasn't supposed to ask anything, no matter how curious he was. And it was impossible to tell with Riku what might accidentally upset him.

Riku carefully sipped his lemonade. "This is good."

He nodded with almost too much enthusiasm. "Uh-huh. And you can come get some any time you like. Unless we're actually having dinner or something. Then you have to drink healthy things like juice or milk." He made a face.

"It's… surprising how generous they are. You have so much freedom."

"Oh yeah, Squall and Cloud are great. It's the best house I've ever lived in."

That was what it meant to be a foster child, wasn't it? "Have you lived in a lot of homes? I-If that's alright to ask."

"It's fine. I don't mind talking about it."

"I was told not to ask about people's pasts…"

Sora went back to eating the last of his pasta, chewing thoughtfully. "Yeah, you have to be careful because some people get real upset. But me and Rox are okay with it. We've been in… I think nine homes before."

"Nine? Really?"

"Mm-hm. Most of them when we were younger because people want to adopt little kids more. We've been living here since we were eight and a half, I think. Except a couple times when we lived with other people for a month or two, but we always end up coming back here."

"It doesn't work out…?" He didn't really understand how this system of travelling in and out of house worked. He hoped it was okay to ask.

"We're what they call a difficult adoption. Because there's two of us and you can't break it up and Naminé says that we 'can't connect with someone as our mother' now because we had like four different mothers before we were five."

Sora sure did like to talk a lot. "Interesting. So you've been doing this your whole life…?"

"Sure have. Nothing bad happened to us, that's why it's okay to talk about. It was just that our actual mom was like fourteen or something when she had us and then couldn't take care of us."

Riku's eyes widened a bit. He'd never heard of such a young mother before. Except in his books of course, but those were set hundreds of years ago. How awful. But he wouldn't say so for fear of insulting her. He tried to think of the best thing to say. "That's too bad."

"Eh, it worked out fine. I got to keep Roxas." He glanced down, now distracted by his pasta. "Want to try some? It's actually really good, for being Yuffie's cooking."

"Yuffie…? Is that the chef?"

"Uh-huh. God knows why, she can't even cook. She usually gets one weekend off a month and then we get to have take out. It's totally the best part of the month."

Sora seemed to like food a lot, for all he talked about it. "I'll look forward to it, then."

"So do you want some?"

It looked good but… he couldn't share food that someone was already eating. It didn't seem right or hygienic. "No, but thank you."

He shrugged, finishing off the last of it. He wasn't sure what to say now. It was easy to talk if Riku only gave him a topic.

In Riku's case, he was hanging somewhere between ease and discomfort. Though it was much easier to talk to Sora, it was exhausting to have to think of what was right and wrong to say. He was always wondering. Perhaps it would be easier to bluntly ask or say things, though it went against everything he'd been taught.

"Sora…" The boy glanced up at him. Delicately, Riku ran his fingers along the edge of his half-empty glass. "Do you think perhaps that I am somewhat… Well, what I mean to say is that because I dress differently and I don't seem to speak like-… Do you think that I'm, er…"

He tilted his head. "Do you mean do I think you're strange?"

Riku exhaled heavily. "Yes."

Sora didn't even have to hesitate. "I think that you can dress and talk however you like. It doesn't matter what other people are acting like. And anyway, I like people who are different."

He was refreshingly honest about his feelings. God, he was so different from Riku.

"I see…" Still that only confirmed that he _was_ different. That was all he really wanted to know, the reassurances didn't matter. Riku considered for a long moment and stood up. "I have to go. I have a meeting with Naminé soon. I'm sorry for not finishing my drink."

He didn't appear bothered, or seem to suspect that he'd said something wrong. "No problem! I've got to go check on Roxas anyway." Axel didn't seem to be in a good mood when he left, and he wasn't sure he wanted to leave his twin alone with him.

To Riku's amazement, Sora practically bounced out the door. He caught Riku one more time before he could leave up the stairs. "I hope you come down again soon."

He would. Though his nerves were still frayed, his mind had made coming down seem a lot worse than it actually was. Interaction wasn't _so_ hard. In small doses, of course.

They went their separate ways. Riku climbed the stairs a bit slower than usual, not feeling so skittish anymore. He was beginning to feel things again. Still confusion, always confusion. He knew now without a doubt that he was unusual. But he also knew in his logical mind that he could not collapse into a self-conscious mass as his emotional side wanted him to. If there was something wrong with him, he had to move on, find some way to fix it. The only problem was _how._

No matter, he could do it. He would learn to be normal.

But he had to admit, talking to Sora had helped. Even if it was only a little.

* * *

There is your chapter, everyone. I am hoping that I'll never have to take this long updating again. Technically, I should have updated Nothing's Call first to be fair but this chapter just came easier. I'm having fun writing Sora and Issues!Riku.

Warning for the future: This fic will soon turn rated M. Not in the next chapter but be aware of that.

Reviews please and hopefully I'll have an NC chapter out before school starts or during the first week. Please everyone go over and give it some love, too!


	4. In a World of My Own

I'm back, baby! And I'm here to stay! Forgive me by enjoying it. Great big thank yous to everyone who reviewed and inspired me to get my silly self on this chapter.

What's new? Well, run over to my profile to find out what I've been up to in my time off AND as a special treat, get a free preview of whatever I'm posting next between each new update. But I won't TELL you what story it is, you'll just have to guess.

**Fair warning to everyone:** The first part of this is a lot of narration and not a lot of action – but bear with it! Even if it's boring you get to know a lot about what Riku's thinking. And again I'm putting out the warning that this is going to get rated M in the next chapter. I'll probably repeat myself at least once more before this is done.

* * *

At Sora's assurance, things were marginally easier for Riku after that. He didn't exactly feel comfortable in himself yet, but the pressure had eased knowing at least one other person accepted him. He wouldn't go so far as to call this friendship, though. He knew enough from his books to understand that friendship required giving and taking. He hadn't _given_ anything to Sora yet. It would be something to think about after Riku managed to get downstairs again and the brunet twin even wanted to continue this tentative camaraderie.

His trips to the floor below or even outside his room for anything but therapy, dinner and the bathroom were few and far between. It made him restless as much as it calmed him down. Which doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, so he thought. It was peaceful in a way; others kept away from him and he did not have to be subject to any nervousness. And yet it was frustrating. He knew there were others downstairs – he could hear them running, fighting, laughing, and being scolded by Cloud or Squall.

There were times – becoming more and more frequent as the days passed – where just for that moment he didn't care about being a freak, about the strangeness of the other boys and the phobic feeling of being around so many people. In those moments he found himself pressed against the door of his room, one hand curled around the cool silver doorknob, twisted all the way but still held firmly in its frame. He stood there for as long as an hour, readying himself, but none of him would move. He kept doubting, and he hated it. He wanted to see Sora and Roxas, and even the others he hardly knew.

All in all, having the time alone left him with too much time in his own head. He thought entirely too often, really. At least his will to read had returned, which occasionally freed him from his own brain. It wasn't all that helpful in times that he was already thinking – he'd get on a trail of thought and realise he'd been staring at a single sentence for several minutes and hadn't absorbed a word.

He sometimes thought about his mother. It was hard not to, when everything lead back to the things she had taught him. Riku didn't like dwelling on memories of her. After a while, it hurt. It hurt him to think of her that way. He didn't _want_ his mother to be bad; he loved her. Even when she was frustrating, even when she told him to do things for her he didn't like, it was only out of her love, of course. Maybe the people here just didn't understand his mother – she was different, it was for his best. Yet at the same time... he began to feel comfortable around someone like Squall (Cloud was still distant). It felt like he could do anything here, he wasn't being watched on his etiquette, and he asked for the things he wanted, they weren't handed to him without his asking.

He... He just didn't know. So he tried not to think about her.

He thought about his home too. He didn't miss it all that much. His room there was obnoxious and hard to sleep in. He hadn't felt comfortable in that room since he was young. He'd outgrown it, it seemed.

Riku wondered what sort of things there were outside, beyond what he knew from reading and his brief glimpses. He understood what it looked like. He could understand houses, schools, sky scrapers, libraries, parks, cafes and all those things, but he wanted to learn about _people. _Like venomous exotic animals, they frightened as much as fascinated him.

And since the therapy session with Naminé the other day, he began to think about his father for the first time in his life. There wasn't much to ponder on – he knew nothing. There had never been any hint or clue left behind of him. His mother never spoke of him, and somehow Riku had never thought to ask. It wasn't so bad. What was a father good for anyway? What did they even do? He'd never known. He didn't think he was missing anything. But still, he wondered. He obviously had a father, and he left his wife and son many years ago. It made his mother cry, so maybe his father was a bad man and Riku wouldn't want to know about him. And _still_ he wondered. Did the man look like the men he'd seen so far, or did he look like Riku? Did Riku's mother ask _him_ to write, paint, bake, and play stupid games with dolls?

Wait, stupid? Did he think those games were stupid? They were sort of fun, he thought, at the time. He wouldn't want to play those now. But that wasn't saying much, he hardly wanted to do anything now.

And of course he thought about his gender 'problem'. Naminé assured him that it wasn't technically gender confusion as long as he identified as male. She wanted to help him get adjusted to being around people more than anything. She wanted to gradually heal his past as well. He didn't _think_ it needed to be fixed, but she was a professional.

But yes, he thought a lot about what being a 'boy' or a 'girl' meant. Lying on his bed now, at a time far earlier than he should still be awake at, he wondered. As far as he could figure, the physical part came first. Hmm... girls should be soft and curved. That sounded about right. Delicate, even.

His hands ran over his face. A firm jaw with smooth skin and an angular nose. His lips were thin but downy and his chin jutted just a little. He felt his fine eyebrows. He never liked them manually shaped as they were - he thought it looked unnatural, but mother wanted it. They were growing back now anyway. He couldn't feel the beginnings of any other facial hair – was that normal? His face was soft yes, but he didn't think it was that feminine, not compared to the women he'd met, anyway.

Riku curved his back off the bed to pull his silver-silk tresses over his shoulder. It appeared to be unusual for a man to have this length of hair (not necessarily, Axel's hair was pretty long). He liked it long, though the time it took to maintain it properly was quite pointlessly exhausting, he found. Riku didn't mind if his hair was smoother than it should be, he thought it was nice.

Then his hands travelled over his jutting collarbone, to his chest – obviously flat and hard, and he liked that better. He felt over his shoulder. His skin felt cool and pleasant under his fingers, but he felt the broadness there, the muscle. It felt a little ticklish to drag his fingers over his bicep and down. His arms had muscle, undoubtedly. Not the kind that Cloud or Squall had, though. They were lean but shaped around muscles at his bicep and forearm, ending in a squareish wrist. He always thought women's wrists tapered down at an extreme, like a bow. His arms seemed masculine enough.

He felt lower, over his stomach and abdomen. His muscles tightened at his stomach and pulled back a bit when he touched there – it tickled uncomfortably. Again, he was lean, but he could feel the shapes of muscles under his skin. He was hard there too, and his hips only barely curved out. Fine so far. His hips naturally lead his hands over identical lines of muscle, pointing downward and disappearing into his cotton sleep pants. He should... feel there too, right...?

Riku hesitated before just barely skirting his fingers between his legs. Though he didn't think there was anything wrong with it, his mother treated it as something to be ashamed of. What he felt there was distinctly not_ feminine_. His hand snapped back almost immediately, tense as though expecting someone to be watching him.

His head spun a bit. What was he even _doing?_ What did he expect to find out by feeling himself all over? He sat up abruptly, unable to tell what he was feeling. Was it shame? More importantly, why should he feel that now? He just wanted to know for sure that he really _was_ male. Well of course he was, that's absurd, but was he less male than the other boys? What really defined that? His head was beginning to hurt with so many questions.

'_Sora. I should ask Sora.'_ The thought struck him before he'd even considered it. But it made sense. The twin was safe to Riku, and he probably knew just as well as any man. As soon as he felt the courage to leave he would ask, he firmly decided.

Now he was left with another horrible thought. What if Sora told him... and he didn't like it? Being a 'man' could be frightening or even worse, boring. And life as a woman? He wasn't sure what that meant either, but he could gather that was what he'd been doing so far. If he hated being a man when he found out, would he chose to live life as a woman? _Could_ he do that? It would be wrong... wouldn't it? Nothing made sense anymore.

He looked around the room. The dresser, the small amounts of make up, the books and papers, the journal, the mirror, the clothes in his closet – even his own _body_. Did he want this? Did these things make him _happy_? He didn't think it should be this hard to figure out what he enjoyed; what was really true about him. He didn't have to think about it until just recently. Even when he felt nothing, lost interest in the things he used to like, he didn't have to think about it. He only started thinking when he got here.

For the first time Riku was starting to feel like this wasn't _him_.

And the thought scared him. He didn't know it was possible to be afraid of what your own mind conjured up. He panicked minutely, his eyes wide and his breathing turning to borderline hyperventilating. He knew he had to get out of his own head. _Now. _

He opened the door before he even knew he was going to do it. Between the great unknown of social interaction with those people and what was going on in his own head... he was going to take social interaction.

And stepping into that hallway for what felt like the first time in ages was... liberating, in a way. Even the air felt less chokingly thin out here. He was still nervous, there was no doubt in that, but the motivation kept him moving. Today wouldn't be a failure, he convinced himself. He would see the others, but not fear them. He would talk to Sora, Roxas and the others and he'd get answers. He would learn truths about himself – the _real_ him, this time.

Now, where to start?

It hadn't occurred to him when he set out how early in the morning it was. It wasn't unusual for him to be awake at this hour, no matter the day of the week, but would the others?

He didn't wait long for an answer. The sound of childish giggling down the stairs assured him that someone was up. Cautiously, he gripped the rail – tighter than necessary – and crept down the stairs. There was a faint bluish hue to everything still, though warm orange was thrown dramatically onto walls directly facing the windows. This time of day was peaceful.

He touched cold hardwood floor as he stepped off the staircase and peered around for the source of the noise. For the first time he ventured into a hallway of closed doors – mostly bedrooms, he knew. Almost too gently, he brushed his fingers against the single door left just slightly ajar. He knew it was terribly rude to be listening in... but was that more rude than walking in unannounced? At least this way he might not be noticed. Well, until he was ready.

There were three distinct and high-pitched voices all giggling about something or other. He leaned a little closer, unable to decipher their bizarre, excited chatter. The door creaked. He froze.

"Who's there? Someone _spying_?" That was probably the giddiest voice of the three of them. Riku didn't breathe. He didn't want to be caught eavesdropping of all things.

The next sounded calmer... by a fraction. "Prob'ly just the door moving a bit."

"No look, there's someone there!"

The door swung open and Riku was met with a small redheaded girl whose head only came as high as his chest. She smiled at him, "Oh! Good morning."

The next girl was smaller, mousy with wavy brown hair and big green eyes. For a moment all that he could register was how garish her orange pyjamas were. "He's new here. It's Riku, remember? Like Squall said."

"Ohhh, Riku. He's a boy?" This one was even smaller, she had to be the youngest kid he'd seen. She just passed his waist. Her hair style was awfully big, and he wasn't fond of it.

The little redheaded girl was speaking again. "Sel_phie_. Don't be rude."

"I wasn't!"

"H... eh, Hello..." Riku ventured. He hadn't met these girls yet. Actually... besides Naminé, they were the only girls he'd seen so far. "We haven't met."

And they squealed in unison. Apparently whatever he'd said was exciting.

"Do you want to come play with us?" The curly brunette squeaked.

Riku didn't know how to play with children. He had to guess they did the same sorts of things he'd played with his mother. That wouldn't be so bad. "Sure, I guess I could."

They cheered at an obscene pitch and grabbed his arms (or in the smallest one's case, his leg), tugging him inside their shared bedroom. Maybe he didn't know how to handle kids but at least his heart was beating properly. Around the boys it followed such a panicked beat it made his mind dizzy and fogged. This should be easy. According to Naminé, they should do the sort of things he was used to. No problem then.

By the time they'd sat him down on the floor amidst their toys and dolls they all gave their names. They shy curly-haired one was Olette, the redhead was Kairi and she seemed the most keen on him. The last one was Selphie and she felt it necessary to announce with great pride that she was six years old.

"Alright, so..." Riku ventured, by now minorly unsettled. That seemed a constant state for him these days though. "What are we playing?"

They giggled. They seemed to do that every time he spoke. Did he say something funny? Were they laughing _at_ him? For a second he feared that was something he wasn't supposed to ask or maybe he should already know...

"Well," Selphie began in a childishly theatrical voice, "We _were_ playing kittens but we wanna play somethin' different now."

"Yeah, yeah!" Kairi chimed in, falling on her knees next to Riku. Her violet eyes were wide and eager – it felt to Riku like she was trying to watch his every movement. Riku had never known older kids, so he wasn't aware of the unconditional admiration young kids had for teenagers. "Olette's turn to pick the game!"

"We have to play something that Riku can do to." She seemed to retreat into herself for a moment to think. "Ooh, let's play salon!"

Kairi was already jumping up to their shared dresser, pulling jewellery boxes down which spewed ponytails, barrettes of every cutesy shape, colourful ribbons, and any number of glittery things which Riku didn't recognize. He understood what the game would be well enough, but wasn't sure what he was expected to do. "Er, how do you play...?"

Selphie was answering that for him by pulling hard at his arms to get him to stand up. He humoured her and stood on his own, letting her believe she'd done it with her own strength. "You're the customer! Go! Go, wait outside the door! Don't come in 'til we say!"

They were surprisingly forceful when they all pushed at his back, insisting he went outside. Not knowing what else to do, he complied. They shut the door on him and he stared at the white-painted wood, trying not to feel unsure. There was a lot more giggling and sounds of little stamping feet as well as one or two cringe-worthy crashing sounds.

Within the minute Selphie's muffled voice was calling him. "Okay, now knock on the door!"

He did as he was told and immediately Olette swung the door open. "Hi. Welcome to um... the salon."

Kairi and Selphie were sitting up on one of the single beds, now with adult-sized dress shirts on over their pyjamas. They were armed with hairbrushes and some kind of flowery body spray.

"Hi..." Riku ventured awkwardly in return.

"Take his coat." Kairi, who seemed to be their leader, ordered. Riku wasn't wearing a coat. She whispered to help him. "Pretend to take your coat off." He mimed removing a coat though it made him feel silly.

Olette directed him to sit down next to the bed and immediately Selphie set herself to brushing his hair. She put on her best 'grown-up' voice for this. "So, what do you want us to do today?"

"...You should..." His eyes darted between them, looking for one of them to fill in for him again."You should do... whatever you think is best."

That satisfied them and they squealed their approval. He didn't mind Selphie running the brush through his hair which was much longer than all of theirs. It was too neat for her to need to pull at tangles, so the feeling was soothing. Kairi put stray tresses into little plastic rollers that were not truthfully meant to work, leaving them in for far too short a time. She was elated when it produced a very slight wave. It was a bit cute. Olette slid little flower clips in among the silver. He knew this would look ridiculous but it was a relief in how easy it was.

More than that, he'd made the three of them happy. Small as it was, Riku couldn't remember ever really feeling that he'd pleased someone. He felt so out of place these last couple weeks. In his own mind, he was a disappointment, even if he didn't know to whom. But these girls liked him just for letting them play with his hair. It felt like it had been his whole life since things were simple like this.

Riku hadn't said much, they were eager enough to talk and laugh over his head. He wanted to return the favour, especially if it could be something calm and methodical like this. He broke his now too-common silence. "Kairi. If you come sit in front of me I can comb yours too."

"Really? Thanks!" She jumped up from her curling vigil to seat herself on the floor with the teen, who she inwardly declared her older brother (or sister) as of now.

Riku picked up one of the brushes, starting to run it through her hair – absurdly shiny and candy red. Red. He much preferred to associate that colour with her. Axel, he didn't want to think about. Things could stay as they were right now. Easy. The gentle tugging at his roots each time Selphie's brush passed through. The steady movement of his own arm, brushing, then smoothing over. It was far from quiet – the girls still chatted loudly around him – but Riku was in his own slow, sleepy world.

It was obvious enough that he was doing something girlish and was that so bad? In that nervous corner of his mind, though, all he could think of... was this really what he liked? Would it be one of those things he'd most like to do regularly? Was this _him?_ He dug himself into deeper uncertainty the longer he thought about it.

So much so that he came dangerously close to leaping clear out of his skin when Selphie chirped, "Finished! That'll be... five dollars!"

"Oh, um... should I have money?"

"Uh, Riku?" The game – and Riku's train of thought - was sharply interrupted by a voice at the door.

It was Roxas. He was staring. With good reason probably.

Riku almost blushed, starting to pull the clips and braids out hurriedly and being met with a chorus of disappointed groans. "Sorry... I was just... playing with them, and... Sorry..."

The young blond didn't seem to have a response for that. "It's... whatever. Did you know you're late?"

"I am? I didn't know I was expected..."

Roxas crossed his arms. Was he annoyed with him? It was difficult to read. "Your classes with Miss Aerith? Didn't anyone tell you they start today? Sora and I were already in the classroom at eight, you know."

Riku struggled to remember. As far as he knew there hadn't been warning, but things he was told just the other day could be forgotten like they were years ago these days. "I... apologize. It wasn't explained to me fully."

"Come on then. I'll tell you what you missed." Roxas left the girls' room, expecting him to follow. In all honesty, he didn't care if Riku was playing girl-games, even if it was weird and felt kind of wrong to look at. He really just hated when tutoring fell early in the morning – Axel would always bitch at him later for being sluggish and cranky. Maybe he'd crash before he saw him... that is if he got the chance to escape his twin for an hour or two. Who knows, maybe he could leave him with Riku.

... No, that made him even more uncomfortable.

Riku watched him leave, knowing he couldn't let him get too far ahead. He didn't know the layout of the house. If he got lost, well... how _embarrassing_.

He looked at the trio of hopeful faces. They probably thought he would still play. "Do you mind if I leave now? Thank you for... Hm... well, thank you."

"Aww!" Selphie grabbed hold of his shirt. He wished she wouldn't do that. "Why do you have to go to stupid lessons?"

Olette looked a bit scandalised, and her voice took on a bossy tone. "_Selphie._ Lessons aren't stupid, and Riku's _got_ to go."

"I'll..." His face coloured. It had only been a moment ago that he was sure he could please them. He'd let someone down again. "Come back later...?"

The trio of cheers assured him that that would be okay. Kairi beamed, "We'll play somethin' else next time. Like house!"

He smiled at the three of them, a kind of smile he didn't use genuinely very often. He liked spending the time with the girls, even if they were somewhat difficult to follow. Then again, he'd never known any young children before other than himself.

When they seemed occupied with themselves again, Riku followed after Roxas at a bit of a jog, careful though not to pound on the floor with his feet. He could just catch the blond spikes rounding a corner and hurried after him. Now that he thought of it, he didn't think he'd been in this part of the house before. He hoped no one unexpected would show up, not naming any names in particular.

* * *

Lessons with Miss Aerith weren't exactly what Riku had expected. He'd pictured a quaint little classroom set up – like those he had read of, but never experienced – and maybe an elderly lady with a pointer sharply instructing them at a blackboard.

It was actually a small, carpeted room, not unlike Riku's bedroom, with only two desks. Not school desks either, more like tables in fact, that could fit three chairs on each side. An easel was propped up in a corner, with a small whiteboard set on top that had gone faintly multicoloured with overuse. Against every wall, childish artwork was pinned, most dedicated to Miss Aerith. Riku saw names a few unfamiliar names, but most he recognised – Kairi, Selphie, Olette, Hayner, Pence, Sora (and in much smaller letters crammed underneath his name, which Riku strongly suspected Sora had written himself, "and Roxas too"). He guessed the names he couldn't place were kids who no longer lived here. Riku wasn't surprised not to see Axel's name anywhere – he couldn't imagine him ever drawing something for his teacher.

The only other children in the classroom, to Riku's immense relief, were the twins. Sora glanced up as Riku crept in and, apparently oblivious to his obvious nervousness, grinned widely and waved to him. Riku immediately thought of his resolution to speak to him today, but at that moment Roxas cleared his throat pointedly and Sora immersed himself in his book again.

Lessons were not, in fact, taught in front of the class at a blackboard. All of their subjects were bound in heavy workbooks made up of several self-contained lessons from the lecture to questions and assignments. Miss Aerith was only really there to supervise them and provide help when it was needed. She'd often read out the introduction to the lesson to her students, or if there was a passage or story to read, she would narrate that too.

Miss Aerith herself turned out to be a pretty and good-natured woman about Cloud or Squall's age. She didn't appear to have noticed yet that most often her students asked her to read, or for help just to hear her soft and musical voice, with such a motherly quality to it.

Panic seeped acid into Riku's throat. The girls had been easy, even Naminé looked like a young teenager, but he hadn't met an adult woman since leaving home. In fact, she reminded Riku of his own mother a bit.

He edged across the wall, reluctant to take a seat without being invited but even more so wanting to disappear from in front of this woman. It was unsettling, mostly because he couldn't tell whether this should cause him fear or relief. After all, hadn't he just been thinking that his mother was being treated too harshly? Why then did he feel the urgent desire, pulling on his stomach, to flee the room at once?

Aerith didn't call attention to Riku's terror, not wanting to embarrass him in front of the other two. "Good morning. It's nice to meet you, Riku."

Some of that knotted feeling eased away. Aerith didn't _sound _a thing like his mother. Had he been expecting her to somehow _be_ his mother? Suddenly turn into her? That was ludicrous, of course.

After a moment, a wave of dizziness passed and Riku located his voice again. "Yes. I'm very sorry for being late. I don't think I was told- or I might have forgotten..."

She smiled. "Don't worry, these things happen. We can ask Sora or Roxas to share their schedule with you when we're done."

He had a feeling that constituted an unspoken request to sit, so he took the seat nearest to him, opposite the table where the twins were working. Anxiously, his hands searched for something to do with themselves, to avoid hanging uncomfortably at his sides, or resting on the table. He wished he had a book to hold.

Aerith selected one of the workbooks from a small shelf Riku hadn't noticed when he came in, and took the chair across from him. "I'm not sure what you've studied before, but I think you'll be able to start at a ninth or tenth grade level."

A fresh surge of panic tugged at Riku's insides. What did they expect him to know? What grade level _was_ he at now? He'd never been totally sure, but he'd never asked, thinking he'd be home schooled forever. What if he was completely behind? What would he do if he opened it and didn't understand a word?

He cast a quick glance at the boys at the other table. What were _they_ studying right now? Some part of him was now certain that he wasn't at their level. Maybe he could quietly explain to Miss Aerith once they had left, and get more time to prepare. Maybe she would start him at a lower level. His stomach plummeted with dread as he pictured himself coming to lessons with Hayner and Pence, much younger than him, and explaining to Sora and Roxas that he wasn't smart enough to study with them.

Tongue preparing to move into action, to murmur his apology to Miss Aerith, the workbook opened in front of him. It was a minor reprieve to find that it was written in a language he could understand. That seemed to be a pointless fear now. Riku quieted for the time being.

She explained to him how the lesson worked. He'd be starting with four of these workbooks, in Languages, Science, Math, and one of his choice (he went for Literature), taking one to work in each time he came in. He was expected to finish one lesson per study session, and he would hand the workbook into Aerith to mark and hand back to him next time. When he was finished one workbook he could request the next and after four or five, depending on the course, he would have the equivalent of a high school class credit in that subject.

"If you ever have any questions, or just need some clarification on the lesson, you can ask me anytime, even if I'm in with other students." She gestured to the other table. "Or you can ask Sora and Roxas if it makes you're more comfortable with that. They're working on the same courses as you."

"Ah, about that, Miss Aerith!" Sora's bright eyes, lit with confusion finally met with Aerith's. He'd clearly been waiting for an opportunity to jump into the conversation. "Could you explain that whole bit about making that one periodic table... group... thing again?"

"You _still_ aren't getting that?" Roxas raised an eyebrow at his brother. "I explained that to you a hundred times already."

"Says a lot about your explanations," Sora huffed, though he shrank a little, sheepish.

But Aerith smiled patiently and started to stand. She didn't give the slightest hint of exasperation that Roxas did with Sora's slow understanding. "Of course. Excuse me, Riku."

She pulled out the chair next to Sora's and spoke to him in an undertone. In her absence, Riku started to flip through his first workbook. He wondered if he was supposed to start the lesson now, and for safety's sake began to read the first passage. Next time, he noted inwardly, he'd remember to grab a pencil before sitting down.

Riku couldn't help but relax a little. These were words he knew, and it the possibility that he'd be able to understand finally seemed approachable. It helped a little, too, knowing that Sora and Roxas were working on the same things he was, and Sora was even having some trouble with it. Of course, they were here to learn, he'd never been expected to know it all automatically, and he shouldn't have expected that the twins would either. But they could work at the same level, which was almost like being on the same level in other ways. He'd always hated thinking of people knowing something he didn't. Unfortunately, he'd been faced with that feeling a lot lately.

When Aerith returned, she was surprised and impressed that he had started already, but assured him there was no need. All she wanted today was for him to familiarize himself with the material. She guided him through the introductions on all four subjects, but her attention got a bit diverted when they reached Literature and she asked Riku about what books he liked to read.

Invigorated to be at last involved in a topic he had expertise on, Riku dove into a dissertation on his preferred genres and listed works he had read, which he had bottled up in the back of his mind for some time with no one to tell it to. Aerith listened avidly, nodding and smiling in all the right places, but it didn't seem false or patronizing. She really _was_ interested in what he had to say, unlike so many adults he knew. In fact, he learned as the conversation carried on, Aerith had read and enjoyed most of his favourite books.

The only indication of how much time had passed was the growing soreness in Riku's throat. He couldn't remember ever talking for this long. And then-

"-_prose_, I really can't get enough. The way it carries you, it's like-"

"-like another world, right? You can hardly remember the real world, you're so involved-"

"-yes, exactly-"

"Miss Aerith-"

"-definitely the best. Of course the first volume is classic but the _third_-"

"-the fourth though, he really lost his touch-"

"Aerith?"

"-still amazing, held against most-"

"It's eleven..."

"-yes, but for _his_ standards-"

"The lesson-"

"-his too, the way the narrative captures the mind of every character. An absolute gift, he has, almost unbelievable-"

"-and you feel for them all! I nearly lost it at her death-"

"Hello?"

"-were in a writing group together-"

"-they were, really?"

"-why most people think they plagiarised one another-"

"-I never knew, that's-"

"_Aerith! Riku!_"

The twins had shouted as one ear-splitting voice. Aerith and Riku glanced at them and suddenly remembered themselves. Flustered, Aerith stood and collected the workbooks from the boys' outstretched hands. "Sorry you two, absolutely lost track of the time."

"We could tell." Sora smiled, clearly amused. His eyes were on Riku, though, who blushed and tried to turn invisible under that blue gaze. He'd forgotten entirely about Sora and Roxas, and now he'd all but, well gushed in front of them about something he considered very personal. God, what must he look like to them now?

Aerith seemed to notice this because she hurriedly dragged Sora's attention back to herself. "If you still need help with the concepts come see me during my lesson with the girls. They don't need too much help and I'd like you to be able to do your unit test next time we meet."

Sora scowled at the idea of writing a test. "Okay." Much as he liked Miss Aerith, he had no intention of going for tutoring. No way he was going to spend more time doing school than he needed – it'd be better just to not know that stuff on the test. Besides, there'd be lots more he understood to make up for it. And the next unit would go better. For sure.

Aerith's giddiness over their conversation vanished as she regained her maternal professionalism. "And Roxas, I have your history assignment. For the most part very well done."

Roxas kept his head down as he accepted the paper from her, which Riku could see from where he was sitting, had a large sticker at the top. "Thanks," He mumbled reluctantly.

Assuming it'd be rude to just leave the book on his desk and bolt, Riku waited until the twins cleared out and stood to hand it to Aerith. He'd really only glimpsed the first lesson but he felt confident that he'd be able to manage it next time they met. He really felt confidence. It was indescribably refreshing after all the blows he'd received. Riku had been stating to become convinced that he just didn't know anything about the real world. But he did know something. He knew all about the books he had read, and that seemed to have genuinely impressed Aerith. His chest swelled.

Careful to remain as polite as he could while his head was spinning, he managed to meet her eyes. "Thank you."

Aerith took the workbook, talking still as she headed over to the desk to put them away and prepare for her next lesson. "You're very welcome. I'll see you next time." Something struck her just then. "Did you ask the boys for your schedule?"

"Oh no, it slipped my mind." More like he wanted to avoid speaking to the twins at all costs after his embarrassment. He'd forgotten what he wanted to ask Sora, too.

"If you hurry you can probably catch them before they disappear again."

'_Disappear?'_ floated in Riku's mind for a minute before he figured it probably wasn't his business.

He barely made it past the door before Aerith called after him. "Riku."

"Yes?"

"I really enjoyed our conversation today," Her eyes were soft and affectionate, "But I don't think we'll have time to do it again."

Riku smiled. The sort of warm smile he hadn't smiled in days. "I enjoyed it too." He waved mutedly and closed the door behind him.

He searched for Sora and Roxas in a bit of a daze. It felt like he was floating he was so light. Nothing had ever seemed as easy as just letting out what he thought. And there was no fear of judgement from Aerith. He really couldn't keep off the smile. On his mental checklist, he noted that the _real_ him enjoyed chatting with her about books, and wondered if that applied to different topics with different people. He couldn't see why not.

With all the energy radiating off this discovery, he started feeling even more restless. He was just aching to do... well, he didn't know. But something. He also resolved to find out what that something was.

Riku finally came across the twins at the front door putting their shoes on. For the time being, his elation covered his embarrassment.

"Oh, hey Riku!" Sora grinned and Roxas waved offhandedly. "Sorry we couldn't talk much during class. Usually we have ten minute breaks every hour."

"That's alright. I was just hoping to get the lesson schedule from you. Have you got it?"

"Not on me, but I remember it." Sora dug into one of his large pockets and retrieved a pen from its depths. He grabbed Riku's left wrist and pulled it close enough to write on. Riku nearly jumped at being touched but when neither of the twins seemed to think of holding someone's arm as particularly scandalous, he hid his fear. It tickled oddly as Sora wrote the times onto his arm, and he'd never really thought of writing messages into his own skin. He'd learned very young (the hard way) that paper was the only thing to be written on.

Roxas watched his twin write on Riku. "I can't believe Aerith didn't get mad that you were so late. Being on time is like the one thing that sets her off."

Riku wasn't sure whether or not that was a bad thing. "I'm sure it was just because it's my first day."

"Aerith just likes you." Sora finished his work with a smiley face and looked up. "You looked like you were having fun. I've never seen you like that!"

Sora wasn't laughing at him for it, and he didn't _seem_ like he was mocking him, so Riku tried to laugh a little at himself. "I suppose we just found something we both have a lot to say about."

"Then we'll just have to find something we have a lot to say about too, right Roxas?"

"Sure," When Roxas spoke, it was a little louder than necessary, "Anyway, me and Sora are going out to play basketball down the street."

"That's right! D'you want to come too?"

That caught him off guard. "Oh, well..."

Riku considered the idea. He'd never played basketball before and he'd probably be no good at it. On the other hand, he did want to spend time with Sora and Roxas. Didn't he want to learn more about what other boys did? What it really meant to be a boy? Did basketball have something to do with it? That seemed off somehow.

"I don't know. I've never played before..."

"We'll teach you!" Sora beamed optimistically. "Or you can just watch if you don't want to play."

Roxas nudged his brother hard with his elbow, picking up the hesitance in Riku's voice. "If you don't want to come you don't have to. Sora was just asking."

It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have to play. It seemed impolite _not_ to go now that he'd offered. But then again, he'd have to leave the house to do so. The only 'outside' he'd really ever known was his mother's back garden with the high fences. She'd assured him it was for his sake, that the people outside were cruel and corrupt and would try to plant all kinds of evil ideas in his head. Just like the TV.

He wasn't naive enough to believe that about the world now but he definitely wasn't used to the idea of going outside. Other than the blurs he passed in the car coming here (which were obscured by the rain anyway), he had very little idea of what could happen. The tall buildings now intimidated him and roads and cars seemed dangerous. He tried to picture what the street outside would look like. There would probably be a lot of people. That frightened him the most. Would he be able to tolerate all those people? Less than a dozen had thrown him into a panic attack not long ago. And what would they look like, if not like those he knew around here? What would they think of _him_? Would they all watch him and whisper about his hair or his skin or his clothes behind his back? Worse yet, would any of them _approach_ him?

In his opinion, though, he'd grown at least a little since being terrified of ten people in a room. Not only that, but as Naminé told him, he really did have to learn to handle the outdoors someday. Maybe now was the time to start.

And who knew, that could be the thing he was restless about. Getting out there, exploring new places beyond the walls of this house. Now could be the time, with his confidence the highest it had been in so long.

Riku thought all of this in enough time to reply without much of a pause. "I suppose I could."

"Awesome! I promise it'll be fun. We can play against Roxas."

Roxas gave Sora a look. "What ever happened to twins sticking together?"

The moment the door was open, though, Riku's self-assurance took a dive. He couldn't take this. He couldn't do this. He _couldn't _do this. "Y-you know, I think I'll just let you two go. I said I would- I have to-"

Sora was distracted at that moment. "What's that smell?"

Roxas sniffed and pulled a face. "Must be Yuffie making lunch."

"Yuffie-" Riku had seized his chance at an escape. "I still haven't met her. I guess I can't come out. Where can I find her?"

Both twins were giving him a look like he'd be crazy for trying, but he did his best to ignore it. Sora pointed down the nearest hallway. "Just down there and into the dining room. There's a door there that goes to the kitchen."

"Thank you. We... we'll go out some other time."

"Sure thing! And no worries that you weren't comfortable with it today." Sora scooped up the slightly overfilled basketball from the landing and waved to Riku.

Riku sighed, as his excuse apparently didn't work, and made his way to where Sora had directed him.

Something hit him then that he hadn't thought of before. His conversation with Aerith... he'd really spoken to an adult woman with no trouble at all, even enjoyed it. The fear that it would be too close to his mother - or maybe even to him - disappeared into thin air. He could see how he made the connection, but it just didn't apply in real life. That healed the confidence he'd just punctured a little. It seemed he could handle women of any age. And he knew that was a part of the real him. Men, however, could be a different story.

Encouraged by this discovery, he smiled and held himself a little higher as he approached the door Sora mentioned.

The kitchen was unlike anything Riku could have imagined. It was tiny, highly cluttered and disorganized, with most all the cupboards open, spewing and mismatching their contents, and at the moment, entirely filled with steam. So much so, that he could only make out a silhouette jumping sporadically from place to place.

Riku held his breath and rapped on the doorframe. There was a loud clanging and crashing that sounded like there had been a lot of metal pans involved.

"_Yeeeee-aah!_" Something was speeding towards him, very fast and aimed at his head. Riku ducked instinctively as what looked like a ladle flew overhead. Alarmed, he started to back out as quickly as he could.

The same female voice rang out, "Oh wait, you're not-"

Riku paused where he was. At that moment the shadowy figure had finally emerged from the fog. She was short, much shorter than he was and, he reflected, not astoundingly taller than Kairi had been. Yuffie was not, in Riku's opinion, dressed anything like a chef should be, and her wispy black hair, short as it was, had not been subject to any attempts at being tied back. The self-assured glimmer in her dark eyes emitted the kind of confidence that could fill the room better than all this steam.

"Sorry," her voice held the same rowdy carelessness as some sandlot kid who'd put a ball through someone's window, and now was trying to laugh their way out of trouble. "I thought you were Axel coming to pinch my ingredients. And-... hang on, you are...?"

"Riku." He seemed to have regained his voice, but just barely. Her bizarre entrance threw him dizzyingly off-course.

"Oh yeah, someone mentioned a Riku." She was already turning, apparently unable to stand still. "If you want something, come in, I've got to watch this."

Riku took a cautious step into the kitchen, treading as one would into a minefield. He visibly relaxed once he had made it over the threshold and nothing else had come to attack him. Unable to stand it anymore, he hastened to open the only window against the far wall. He heard Yuffie mutter something like 'never thought of that'.

With the haze slowly clearing, Riku could finally take in exactly how crammed with stuff the kitchen was. There had to be at least three of every kitchen utensil imaginable, and he noticed most of the open cupboards were bursting with dozens of glass spice jars, all containing barely enough of their original contents to make a teaspoon. He could make out culprit behind the steam - a huge stainless steel pot on the burner, which would occasionally rattle its lid and belch more vapour into the room.

Riku bit back his immediate criticisms and searched for something less offensive to say. "You must be Yuffie, right?"

"Yes'm, but it's better to say The Great Ninja Yuffie or Yuffie Kisaragi, Ninja Extraordinaire." She glanced into the pot, poked the contents around a few times, then nodded. Hooking one leg onto the counter, she pulled herself up to kneel on it, searching through a high cupboard and murmuring spices to herself.

"Careful, you'll fall!" Riku jumped behind her protectively, readied to catch her. His panic that she might hurt herself overwhelmed his multi-levelled embarrassment. "Here, let me." With minimal difficulty he reached up and selected all the jars she had mentioned, then backed away (though maintaining about an arm's reach of distance) to let Yuffie get herself down.

"Thanks! You know, you're really tall for a..." Her voice trailed off and died. She became suddenly very interested in measuring her spices.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing! So, Riku, that being a boy, how's that going for you? Must be great, you know, doing guy stuff with the guys and all."

"Sorry?"

"Yep, sounds awesome." She was speaking in a much higher pitch, laughing where it wasn't necessary. "Hand me that whisk, would'ya?"

Riku unknowingly learned his first lesson on Yuffie right then as he decided not to ask and just do what she said. Once he managed to get the requested whisk into her hand, Yuffie became surprisingly focused on her work. He shrunk away a bit, watching her from a few paces back. He knew better than to distract someone while they were working, especially cooking. Mother was always very sharp with him if he ever interrupted her.

Yuffie did anything but make it easy, though. He watched her preparation, riddled with errors that would be _so_ easy to correct if he just pointed them out to her. His fingers twitched by his side. That uncharacteristic frustration he'd had of late to just say or do something was building everywhere under his skin.

"You know-" The words jumped from his tongue before he could stop himself. "If... I mean, if you added that before the rest of the spices it wouldn't overwhelm the flavour."

"What?"

"And here..." Riding on the spike of courage, Riku went to her side. "You're using too much oil here. You could use half- a quarter of that would be plenty."

Yuffie's tone was changing. It sounded warning now. "This is how I always make it."

"Yes, but then you wouldn't have to cook it for quite as long, so there's no risk of burning or overcooking. I'm sure everyone would like it much b-"

Now Yuffie had raised her spoon high over her head. "Say that again."

Riku cringed. He hadn't meant to... offend her! As fast as he could think, he stammered out. "Wh-what I mean is I want to help!"

She paused, spoon still raised. "Help?"

"Yes!" He paused to exhale. Thankfully, the fearful tightness in his chest had eased. "I like to cook and I used to do it all the time. I could work as... your assistant?"

"You want to do that?"

He could only hope this was the right answer. "I do. Cloud and Squall said I need to find a job around the house anyway."

She seemed stunned by the idea that someone wanted to help her do her job. Riku tried not to think about why this might be.

"Well." Yuffie breathed with the air of someone who just had their best argument defeated. "I guess you start now."

Riku approached the edge of the pot again. "So, I'll keep helping you grab the ingredients from high up? Or... how should I help?"

"Hell no! We're throwing this crap out." Yuffie got to her knees and started digging around in one of the bottom cupboards. Whatever she was looking for, it must have been buried pretty far back. Carelessly, she tossed anything in her way back onto the floor. Finally, she extracted an enormous old cookbook. She blew off the heavy layer of dust that covered it, and Riku couldn't help sniggering a little bit to himself – which he immediately hid when she looked up at him again.

"So Riku." She heaved the book onto the counter and dropped it with a slam. It took up the better part of her limited counter space. "Do you have any idea of how to use a skillet?"

Cooking with Yuffie was quite possibly the most interesting thing Riku had ever done. She certainly wasn't conventional about what she did, considering that she'd be up on the counters or the fridge half the time and her slight tendency to punt food or utensils across the room when they didn't cooperate with her. Several times Riku had to remind her to wash her hands before returning to preparation because she'd been rushing about on the floor or snacking on her ingredients (for his own sake, Riku didn't point out the hypocrisy). All the time he made sure to tell her what he was doing, in hopes that she picked up on some of it herself, but tried to make it seem as though he wasn't doing it intentionally.

Within the hour, they produced a dish that, while somewhat overspiced, looked downright palatable. Riku was feeling good enough about himself at this point that he actually joined the other kids for lunch. Each time one of them commented that they couldn't believe Yuffie made _real_ food, Riku indulged in a private smile.

Riku couldn't remember a day as good as this one turned out to be. He even managed to stay downstairs until later that night when dinner ended and he said goodnight to the twins and the girls. When he returned to his room, he felt like despite doing so much today, he couldn't possibly sleep tonight. So he simply lay there, grinning stupidly, his whole body in a contented buzz.

After a while, he remembered something he had to do. He leaned over to his bedside table and fondly picked up his worn journal. Earlier today, he'd decided he would log all that he found out about himself in hopes that he would understand who he really was.

He sat back, starting to write them out as they came to him. First, while it was a little fun to play games with the girls, it wasn't something he'd regularly do. He'd prefer to be like an older sibling to them. That seemed about right. Second, he enjoyed talking about things he understood well, and could even discuss them at length with someone he just met. He also liked Miss Aerith and found out by talking to her that his experiences with his mother hadn't hindered his ability to get along with adult women. The question of adult men was left to be answered still. Sora and Roxas he was embarrassed to be around but still wanted to get to know better. There had been real interest there in taking part in their game; he just didn't have the courage. He had learned that he liked Yuffie and it was entertaining to cook with her at his side even if she slowed down the process. Just cooking itself had been a pleasure but the greatest thing Riku took from it was that it felt so much better to be helping than just lying around in his room.

When he looked at all his self-discovery now, it seemed that he learned a great deal about himself today, and he looked forward to finding out just about as much tomorrow. It didn't even strike him that he planned to head out tomorrow without hesitation or second thought.

One question still lingered in his mind though. It was the one he had started the day out with but still hadn't come close to figuring out. Riku turned the page and wrote it at the very top. Then he stared at it. The stark black letters, standing alone on their page, staring unwaveringly back at him.

_What does it mean to be a boy?_

* * *

Days passed, as they have a nasty habit of doing, and Riku was spending more time outside of his room than ever. After Yuffie spoke to Cloud and Squall about it, they agreed that Riku would earn his stay by helping with lunch and dinner (provided he gave Yuffie the credit). He wasn't allowed to cook breakfasts, though, as his current guardians wanted him to get sufficient sleep. Honestly, Riku wouldn't have minded getting up to prepare breakfast. The time he usually woke up clearly wasn't early enough for him to go wandering around the house on his own.

Lessons happened frequently throughout the week. Aerith was right. During his next lesson they weren't able to have another conversation about books. In fact, no one could talk at all because Sora was writing a test. He even laughed with Sora afterward when he seemed so unfazed that he had 'totally bombed that'. The next few lessons after that, he learned that most of the time there was a balance of silence and chatting, as Aerith didn't mind them talking casually as long as they did their work. Riku was almost getting the hang of small talk; even though he had to admit to Sora and Roxas that he had no idea what they were talking about embarrassingly often.

He also found that he was surprisingly good at math. It came easily to him, as long as he could understand the formula, any variation could be solved quickly. His pattern of thinking was appropriately linear, which he'd never known when he'd always been taught to think creatively. He unconsciously started applying this to everyday life. Yuffie even snapped at him once for talking back which, after he got over the guilt and humiliation, he was a rather proud of.

Naminé seemed to be pleased with his progress, and took this as a time to speed right forward into a process she called 'exposures'. Any time he was in a situation that made him nervous, he had to log it and report it to her in their next meeting.

Between school, cooking, therapy, and the still-substantial time he took to himself in his room, Riku didn't leave much space for socializing. He did manage to spend a little time each day with one person or another, excluding only Axel. When he ran into them, he would play girly games with Kairi, Selphie, and Olette, which more often than not ended up with them doing something to him which he'd be laughed at for later. Riku started to get to know Hayner and Pence too, though most of his time with them was spent silently watching them playing games or laze around asking each other what they wanted to do.

By far, Riku saw the twins most. Of course, he spoke to them a little during their lessons, but would also tag along to some things they were doing after he'd made lunch. Over those few days, they still couldn't get him to set foot outside but Sora always offered. Riku would also keep Sora company when Roxas went to hang out with Axel, though that consisted of more uncomfortable silence than anything. Riku watched television for the first time during those days. It was almost unreal.

Every day after dinner, Riku would spend increasingly more time staying with Sora and Roxas at the table, speaking little but enjoying listening to their brotherly banter. This was part his own idea and part Naminé's exposures. As soon as he became anxious spending time with them, he'd stay in it as long as he could then explain to her how he felt. It didn't take very long, though it was longer each day, for him to excuse himself for clean up and head to bed.

So, when the time came, he'd forgotten all about what Squall arrived to collect him for.

The stoic brunet knocked once before entering Riku's room. "Since you seem more comfortable with people lately, Cloud and I think it's time for you to move into your room."

Riku set down his journal. "Is it?"

"Only if you think you're ready. Are you?"

His new room meant Axel. He didn't think he should tell Squall that Axel was the only person he was still just as uncomfortable with. "Yes, I think I am."

Just like leaving his mother's home, it took almost no time for Riku to gather everything in this world he called his own, and only one trip to bring it all downstairs.

Riku's permanent bedroom was much like his temporary one, if not somewhat bigger. The twin bed farthest from the door had been freshly made, and looked inviting compared to the tangle of sheets and socks on the bed next to it. Axel had clearly made himself at home in whatever amount of time he'd lived here, as his things were strewn about in a manner that to Riku said clearly enough that he never expected guests. At the moment, there was a very clear line between clean and junk down the middle of the room. Inwardly, Riku guessed that Axel had been ordered to make room and just kicked everything on Riku's side over to his own.

Squall stayed only long enough for Riku to get settled in, and Cloud never made an appearance. In the precious little time he had between now and when Axel arrived, Riku stashed anything he could think of that might give Axel material to tease him.

Once his side of the room was as plain and inconspicuous as he could manage, Riku relaxed for the first time. When he thought about it, he wouldn't really have to spend much time in here with Axel. He always seemed to be off doing something anyway. Riku would have to cut down on his alone time, or arrange it so that he would escape to the room midday instead of after dinner. And he could in no way write in his journal with Axel around, so that would have to be timed as well.

But living with Axel might not be so bad. Riku considered, abashed, that he could be judging him too soon on infrequent encounters. He wouldn't go so far as friendly, but maybe Axel was the type to just come in late and go to straight to sleep. That would be alright.

His next thought was drowned out as the-devil-he-spoke-of opened the door. He looked just as surprised as Riku was startled. "Oh. You."

"Cloud or Squall must have told you that I'd be moving in."

"Yeah, I know. Lay off the girly shit around me and we'll get along just fine." Stirring in Axel's mind were all the possibilities that lay out before him for torturing Riku. Someone up there must have given him a gift because he was just _too_ easy.

Not tonight though. He was too goddamn tired. A good night's sleep, then with a fresh start he could torment his half-male roommate to his heart's content.

"Excuse me-"

"Shut up, I'm going to sleep now."

Riku had no idea what to say. He'd never experienced someone so unapologetically _rude_. Something surged up inside him that longed to counter Axel and teach him a lesson about manners, but he fought it down. There was no sense in starting that, and he didn't want to get involved in anything worse from Axel. Besides, he'd be asleep in just a couple minutes. That was just what Riku wanted.

Axel willed himself to stay awake long enough to grab pyjamas. As he lifted his shirt, his new roommate let out a panicked squawk. He looked over, and sure enough Riku had turned away and was hiding his eyes.

Axel's smirk grew so wide that his face could have cracked. He saw his opportunity and he snatched it.

He slid much too close to Riku, his own shirt dangling from one finger. "Come on, Roomie, it's getting late. Why don't you change too?"

Riku shifted to cling protectively to his own shirt, firmly staring away from Axel. "I don't think I will. Please, you finish changing or find somewhere else to do it."

"No, I like it here." Axel, not about to let an avoiding gaze stop him, stood up and moved right into Riku's line of vision. He positively revelled in the mortified whimper this earned him. "We're all _friends_ here, and guys. Well, sort of. Didn't you know this is _normal_ for guys?"

Riku had no choice but to believe him. He'd never heard otherwise. "That may be, but I'd rather not..."

"But how will we ever be comfortable with each other if we're not _open_?"

Axel clearly wasn't budging, so Riku got up to leave instead. He was beaten to the door, and Axel, fed up with his game and wanting to get on with it, grabbed the hem of Riku's shirt and pulled hard.

The sound Riku made then could be best described as the most subdued and masculine sort of shriek a person can manage. "Stop!"

"I'm not tryin'a rape you for chrissakes, just man up and take it off." Axel struggled to try and get it over his head, and Riku squirmed to keep it down, all while keeping his eyes closed to prevent seeing Axel indecent.

After a great effort the garment flew off and into a corner. Animal-like with terror, Riku shoved Axel as hard as he could (which even surprised him) and made for the other end of the room, covering his chest tightly.

Now Axel was caught between entertainment at messing with Riku and fury that he'd actually fought back. There was no real escape while Riku was still in the room, and he wouldn't run out and go tell, Axel was sure. He advanced on the feminine boy, this time going all out, shoving him to the nearest bed and trapping him with one hand while the other went for his fly.

Riku shrieked again and fought for all he was worth, which wasn't much in this position. "Axel! Axel, stop it!"

The redhead laughed wickedly as the boy trapped beneath him paused his whining for a few deep, shuddering breaths. He could see Riku's eyes starting to glisten. What, was he really about to _cry_? Too fucking much.

Axel managed to get as far as yanking his pants over his hips when the door burst open. He jumped back as quickly as he could, but that didn't stop Cloud from seeing. His usually blank face had turned livid.

"Come with me." He didn't leave time for Axel to comply, he was already dragging him to the door. "I can't believe this. We gave you a responsibility."

"It wasn't what it looked like! _Fuck_. I wasn't going to fuck him, her, whatever!"

"Axel." Riku had never seen Cloud look or sound like this. "I don't want to hear it."

"This is fuckin' prejudice! I don't even want him! If he hadn't been such a goddamn chick about getting dressed I wouldn't have-"

Riku stood up, still trembling and half-dressed. "He-he's telling the truth. Axel wasn't trying to hurt me. I-it's my fault, I was too afraid to undress."

Cloud didn't seem any more forgiving to Riku. "There aren't any excuses for bullying. Axel, you're spending the night in the temporary bedroom and we'll talk about this in the morning. I think you can find your way on your own."

"Sure can." Axel might as well have been spitting venom as he spoke. "And Riku, dear, watch out for the spiders. We wouldn't want anything to _frighten_ you. You just might faint!"

"_Axel_." It was at that point Axel knew that he'd pushed it as far as he should and he marched upstairs, satisfied and pleased to be alone.

Cloud ran a hand through his hair (though how, Riku would never know). "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I think I will be." He hurriedly wiped his eyes just in case.

"And he didn't threaten you to defend him?"

"No, not at all." Riku sank to his bed, now rather exhausted as his heart and mind slowed to a normal rate. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Do you need anyone to stay with you for a while?"

He shook his head. The last thing Riku wanted was to draw more attention to this. "I'd like to just go to sleep."

Cloud nodded solemnly and exited, adding just as he was about to close the door. "Axel will be back tomorrow. You're going to have to stand up to him or find a way to live together."

Soon as he was gone Riku buried his face and tried to breathe. But he really was tired so he finished dressing and got into bed. It really was comfortable, more comfortable than his last bed had been, but again he was far from sleep. This time had nothing to do with a happy buzz.

Riku shook for a while but never cried. Finally the physical symptoms of his attack subsided enough for him to drift off before he lapsed back into them by thinking on it.

He'd realised another truth about himself then, which he vowed to write down in the morning, too tired to do so now. The real him positively hated being a burden.

* * *

Ohman, it shouldn't be this fun to make Axel a total asswipe.

I tell you, this chapter was especially difficult to finish. It was hard being sympathetic to Riku after playing the first part of Chain of Memories when all I wanted to do was punch him in the dick.

Wow! Two people can connect with each other based on a common interest; even share an intimate conversation leaving both feeling mentally and emotionally gratified, and not fall in love? What a concept! ... Sorry, I'm being a bitch.

I promise this is the last thing I'm going to bore you with. Do I have any readers living in Detroit, or Michigan in general, or more to the point, attend Youmacon? I'm moving to Michigan in just about a month now (I think I just soiled myself in fear) and the con is within days of my birthday, so I'd like to hear a bit about it. That's all!


	5. Such Very Good Advice

**A/N. **Have some Christmas depression, boys, girls, and everyone else!

So this chapter has been sitting on my computer half-finished for a while now, so I thought I'd finish it in the spirit of the season. I wouldn't take this as hope for my updates to happen any sooner, but at least as hope that I haven't actually stopped writing. Now that my notes have run off and disappeared, I'll be replotting the whole thing before I can keep going. If you care to know any more that, see the bottom A/N.

Turns out this isn't the M-rated chapter. But technically it isn't the 'next' chapter either, even though it is occupying the 'ch 5' slot. Think of it as more of a four-and-a-half. Sorry if that's a tease. By the way, everyone, this chapter goes out to Red Chase who made the suggestion which put the idea for it into my head. So if you liked it, you know who to thank.

I'll tell ya, I love writing Virus but it has to be the most emotionally draining thing I have ever written because it goes back and forth so much, and I can't keep up any better than you can. So if shit's all heavy, and then someone cracks a fart joke, or if everyone's chillin' out max and relaxin' all cool and then someone has a panic attack, just keep calm and go with it. I'm doing my best to balance the sad and the happy and the angry and the silly and the crazy and the scared and the stupid, because let's be honest, no one is any one of those things all the time.

Merry Christmas, chaps, enjoy your angst.

* * *

What a night. In a matter of minutes the house seemed to erupt with commotion from nowhere. First Cloud walked in on Axel attacking Riku, meanwhile Hayner broke down in a panic attack and Kairi burst into tears with the pain of an ear infection.

Actually... to be honest, that was a pretty mild night.

All the staff pulled their weight in damage control. Both Cloud and Squall gave Axel an earful, and cut off a few privileges while they were at it. If there was one thing the two stand-in parents didn't let slide, it was fighting, and they always stuck to their guns on punishments. Occasionally they even intensified it, if you were caught breaking any in-house probation. Cloud could be known to be a hardass, as he often treated the serious punishments like legitimate law enforcement. Sometimes, though rarely, a version of martial law could be called into action.

Hayner spent his time in the 'quiet room', half on his own and half speaking with Naminé. Aerith had been called back from her home to calm Kairi, give her some pain killers and get her to sleep. Apart from the general soothing affect Aerith had on kids, she and Kairi shared a special bond. Once or twice Aerith had expressed interest in adopting her, but it wasn't something she could reasonably do at this stage of her life. Either way, Kairi was already in the best possible home with two fantastic friends her own age, and many older sibling figures.

Nearly two hours after the chaos had begun and the panic wound down, Squall called an emergency staff meeting. At this point in the night, the staff consisted of himself, Cloud, Aerith, and Naminé, as Yuffie had already gone home for the night.

Eventually, it was decided that Axel hadn't actually been making a sexual advance on Riku. This made things far less complicated, yet terrorizing him was hardly a light issue. The simple solution would be to keep the two of them apart, but there just wasn't space for single bedrooms now that they had this many children living under one roof. This sort of thing would have to be dealt with a little more seriously than just a rooming arrangement.

Aerith brought out tea for them all, distributing it around the office desk. Squall had intended to make something, himself, as an apology for keeping them here late, but he was honestly terrible at brewing anything other than black coffee. Aerith seemed anxious to help in any way she could, as it was.

Once they'd all been seated with their drinks, no one seemed to have any idea what to say. The silence stretched on for a long while. If only Yuffie were here, there'd be at least one talkative member of the staff, as the rest seemed to prefer the company of their own thoughts for the most part.

Naminé raised her head from apparently searching intently in her tea, tone characteristically soft. "Hayner's doing alright now. It was just a regular, unprovoked attack. I don't think he needs to be entered back into therapy. These bouts of panic are likely to happen from time to time his whole life, but hopefully less so as he gets older."

Cloud nodded a bit. "And have you made any progress as to what these attacks are about?"

"Unfortunately, he's still blocking."

"Blocking?" Aerith's fingers toyed with the edge of her cup. She didn't often hear about this side of Hayner. When she did lessons with him or saw him around the house, he seemed like any other well-adjusted twelve year old boy. Somewhat rowdier and with less regard for rules than ordinary, maybe, at least in comparison to gentle-spirited Pence.

Squall, who had heard Naminé use this term before, cut in. "He suppresses the memories he doesn't want to have. If something happens to him that's too much to handle, he just blocks it out and forgets about it so he can function."

"Thank you, Squall, I couldn't have said it better." Naminé carried on with her explanation, though she now turned more toward Aerith. "It's a fairly common defence mechanism for young children, particularly because they may not understand something they experience that is damaging to them, and so they push it away." She took a steadying breath. "What it means now is that Hayner can't remember what's upsetting him, and he certainly can't convey it to me."

"Isn't there a record on his family situation, maybe? Or why he was taken into foster care?"

Namine turned a bit to her left. "That, I don't know. Did you work on his case, Cloud?"

"No, he was a transfer from another home. They didn't have much on him either. Seemed like a pretty normal case."

"From what I can gather from him, whatever it is probably isn't a result of neglectful parents. Or, if it is, that only played one part in something bigger. No one knows what that 'something' is, except Hayner's deeper consciousness. That information may never come to the surface, but I do what I can to help with the attacks."

"And does he say anything when he's having one? Give any clues what it might be about?"

"He tells me that when one is coming on he can be doing anything, and apparently out of nowhere he begins to feel very anxious, paranoid, depressed, and alone, which starts the panic. I've tried to link it back to what he might have been doing, where he was, who he was with, what he felt, saw, or smelled, even what he wore that day, but there wasn't any pattern. They simply _are _triggered randomly." Naminé realised she hadn't answered the question. "But no, no clues."

"I didn't expect as much." Squall shook his head, deep in thought. "They can't all be like Axel."

"Hm, that may be for the better. But that's beside the point. What's worse is that these attacks are incredibly frightening for him. Does anxious, paranoid, depressed, and alone sound at all like Hayner to you? He feels very much disconnected from his real self when under attack, so much so that he calls it 'Anti-Hayner' when we're in session."

The other three took this pretty seriously, or at least two of them did and Naminé assumed that was what Cloud's expression was conveying. Aerith seemed very interested by all this. "Do you mean that he might have a second personality?"

"Oh! No, no, nothing like that. Anti-Hayner is just an umbrella term to make these uncommon emotions easy for him to categorize. All this is still a part of his one personality, but that part is one he can't deal with in everyday life. If he doesn't classify emotions and experiences in his mind into 'Hayner' and 'Anti-Hayner', he worries he's going crazy or breaking down," Naminé sighed a bit, shaking her cup gently to stir it. It probably would cool down with all the time she was spending talking.

"You see, he connects this vulnerable side of him with bad emotions and bad experiences, so he pushes it back until he's at the point of panic. He'll learn to integrate the two more as he gets older, or at least I hope. It's normal for a child, particularly a boy, to pretend all emotions not involved in his everyday persona don't exist. The stigma is that is all that _should_ exist, and by that logic there shouldn't be times when he is very anxious or has difficulty coping. So to prevent himself from believing he's weak or different from how he believes other boys should be, he attributes it all to someone else, in this case 'Anti-Hayner'.

"This change is usually something people experience as teenagers and young adults. He's just unfortunate enough to have been faced with this as a child. It will come with maturity – part of growing up is realising how complex we can be."

Naminé paused to take a deep breath as she allowed this to sink in. The others seemed to be thinking this over carefully for any flaws in her theory. As far as she could tell, they hadn't found one yet.

"This could be bad if he ever does remember." Squall's arms folded and he leaned back in his chair. "That'll be a lot for him to take all at once, and he could get worse. I just hope you're with him when he does, Naminé."

"So do I..."

Aerith simply stirred her tea again. "Poor boy. Something awful must have happened to him."

"Possibly." Everyone turned to Cloud, as though they hadn't expected him to speak. "Or he could have somehow decided this when he was very young, and just grown up with that thought in his mind. We shouldn't underestimate how aware kids really are."

Squall nudged Cloud with his elbow. "'Course we would know about that."

"Though this still leaves little explanation for the panic attacks. I haven't ruled out some kind of mild panic disorder, but he doesn't show any other typical symptoms. I'm afraid even if we do tap into the source of this, he's still going to have panic attacks at unexpected times. We may be able to predict scenarios which would make having one more likely, and as he comes to accept all facets of his personality they should get less severe... but that's about all that can be done."

"Nothing heals like time," murmured Aerith, by now looking a little depressed.

Naminé felt bad for causing her distress, so she ended the thought, "That was what happened tonight with Hayner, anyway. He should be in bed now."

Squall glanced at Cloud, and some communication must have passed between them because after a wordless moment he nodded. "So we won't change anything about his daily routine, or book him more sessions. But Cloud and I will speak to him about this. He needs to have more people to talk to other than Naminé when he's going through this."

"I think that's best."

"Agreed."

That thought settled among the four of them and again they fell silent. By now, everyone but Naminé was setting empty cups on the desk. Everyone's internal thought process was stirring and turning their attention to the next urgent issue. What would be done with Riku and Axel?

Cloud addressed it from a simpler angle first. "How is your progress with Riku coming?"

"He's showing notable improvement, which is why I moved our sessions down to twice a week, otherwise things will get repetitive. Working with Yuffie every day was a huge step for him, and it's been good for him."

"He's been doing very well with Sora and Roxas when we're in the classroom," Aerith added quickly. "Bright, too, and confident in his subjects now that he's had a few lessons. I believe that confidence translates to greater ease when dealing with the twins."

"There's something to be said for jumping into these situations head first." As far as his own mind worked, Squall couldn't tell how anyone had the patience for baby steps in the first place. "Of course, no offense to the system you use, Naminé."

"Not at all, you're absolutely right. Actually, I think with a backing of support and encouragement, the 'leap of faith' method may work best for Riku. He's shown some impatience with talk therapy already. Riku's committed, and in time he'll respond well to a hands-on approach."

Aerith tried to cover a small yawn, and rearranged her skirt. A quick glance at the clock told her she'd normally be getting ready for bed at this time. "Most children do."

Squall's eyes slid toward Cloud, wondering what he was thinking. Cloud, while listening and absorbing all of this, had half his mind on the stack of papers he'd left in their bedroom.

Naminé sensed that the two men were waiting on her to continue rather than speak themselves. How like them. "Yes, I find that once you teach them some countering strategies that after a while children with high social anxiety take the reins themselves. They practice with planned low-stress exposures, but when faced with one of their high-stress triggers, they experience the fear but also manage to cope without much thought.

"With Riku, exposing him little by little while reminding him to counter his anxious thoughts is only how I act as a crutch to him. You can already see that the two best things he's done to progress – interacting with the twins and assisting Yuffie – he decided for himself, without me around. The person who's really going to help Riku get past this one day is himself."

"You think he can make a full recovery?"

"Maybe. Riku's main stumbling block is not his gender identity, but his intense anxiety. Still, he once in a while will show such contradictory behaviour that I strongly suspect it is not inherent for him."

"Inherent?"

"Of course, not all children susceptible to panic are born that way. We all feel anxiety, but some people are genetically wired to have anxious personalities. Even in that case, they are not generally chronically anxious from childhood, unless they learn to be from outside sources. What can happen is that those who are predisposed toward anxiety remain unaware of it in everyday life until something – or a series of events – triggers it. Any number of complications can arise from there," Naminé glanced around to make sure everything she was saying was understood. "And still, there are those without a genetic inclination toward anxiety who still experience it clinically because of extreme circumstances."

Squall nodded, seeing where she was taking this. "And that's what you think happened with Riku?"

"Implying there's hope of moving past it," Cloud made a vague sound of consideration, which Naminé took as her cue to continue.

"Nothing Riku has told me about his younger childhood implies an anxiety-influenced personality. He seemed to be reasonably confident and cheerful until recently. The last few months he was still living at home, he described to me a sudden onset of apathy and irritability, which I suspect was brought on by depression. I would expect no less – never once leaving his own house, never knowing anyone long-term except for his mother, at least since he was quite young. Not to mention the stage of life he's at.

"Actually, he's only presented anxiety since being taken into care, and it's clear enough as to why: he's been suddenly thrown into the outside world which he hasn't experienced for a very long time. That, paired with the knowledge that he's not 'normal', which confuses him and leads to feeling insecure or inferior. I wish I hadn't needed to address that with him so early, but it was better than him hearing first from other children. That's my conclusion, anyway. Everything and everyone is pretty well alien to him at this time. Riku's social behaviour can be almost considered feral, in this way."

"If you put it that way, how does he manage interacting with people at all?" Squall had now assumed a pose much like Cloud's. Predictable.

"Ah, I think that can be at least partially attributed to the fact that he is an avid reader," Aerith, who was now well-versed in Riku's booklists, interjected. "And the way he acts says to me that his mother was very strict about etiquette."

"Don't forget that he hasn't always been isolated," Cloud seemed, if possible, more deadpan than usual. "You've said that he probably lived like any other kid when he was much younger."

"Up until his father left," Aerith directed a glance toward Cloud which went ignored. "That would have made Riku three or four, yes?"

Naminé inclined her head slightly. "Developmentally speaking, that would have given Riku plenty of time to absorb the basics of interaction without even being aware of it. So yes, he does understand the simpler things, but he just wasn't ready for how diverse the world really is."

"Meaning that as he adapts to everyday people and experiences the anxiety will decrease, am I right? That's how he'll recover?"

"My thoughts exactly. Not that his anxiety will be _cured,_ now that it's so ingrained, but I think we'll get to see the real, confident Riku after some time. Somewhere down the road I'm sure he'll have some intense feelings about separating from his mother, but for now that's been, let's say, mentally backlogged while he tries to cope with the things he faces every day."

The silence stretched out again between the four of them and Naminé caught her breath. After a moment, Aerith stood up to clear the teacups, but Squall insisted that the least he could do was take them out himself.

Finally, Cloud seemed to sort this all out in his head. "We don't have time to wait for Riku to do all of that before he moves in with Axel."

"Yes, well, I'm definitely going to speak to both of them."

"I hope it helps. The way Riku reacted to Axel was-"

"Perfectly natural," Naminé said quickly, though she was rarely known to interrupt anyone. "Put simply, Riku doesn't understand bullying. I'm certain he hasn't received the normal education children get on it, so to him Axel's actions were an incomprehensible attack on his person. I won't know this until I speak to him, but I have a feeling he's going to assume he's responsible or prompted it in some way because he's never had to experience teasing – let alone being outright terrorized. Riku has no idea at this point of how to deal with bullying; he's never even seen it before."

Squall had returned, now leaning against the doorframe. His eyes turned to Cloud. "The obvious solution would be not to have Riku and Axel staying together, but..."

Cloud picked up his sentence. "But we haven't got any extra rooms. We've already got the three youngest staying in one room."

"We could switch Roxas into Axel's room, and Riku could stay with Sora. They seem to be friends – Roxas and Axel, I mean."

Namine shook her head immediately. "Ah, I don't think it's a good idea to separate Sora and Roxas."

Her quick rejection prompted surprise all around. Squall's eyebrows rose. "I'd think you'd want to split up the twins so they can become individuals. They're more than old enough."

"Normally I would say that, but they have special circumstances."

Cloud didn't allow for her to be that vague. If he was anything, it was blunt. "You mean because of Roxas."

"Well, at least partially."

Aerith perked up a bit, eager for any information on the wellbeing of her students, and managed to lock eyes with Cloud. "How has he been, by the way?"

"I think Naminé would know better," Cloud nodded toward the woman in question, breaking their eye contact.

Naminé bit her lip and searched her mind for a way to explain. Even she wasn't certain of Roxas's current state, and could only form analysis based on their last session and various reports from staff members. All she knew was that her work with him hadn't been finished, when she'd been forced to cut it short. "It's hard to say. There hasn't been a great need for me to see him in some time. He's stable, as far as I'm concerned, but not much better."

"We agreed you wouldn't speak to him unless he has another attack. It only makes him angry." Cloud and Squall shared a small nod, as they had a habit of doing when remembering a significant decision they had made together. It seemed to be their equivalent of a loving pat or a kiss between other couples.

"Yes," Her eyes lowered, finally finding an opportunity to disclose her most recent concern relating to Roxas. "I worry that this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I'm not sure I can help."

"Why is that?"

"Because Roxas is a teenager now, and it's going to intensify his feelings. If necessary I can intervene and maybe look into anti-depressants but I don't think that's going to get to the root of the problem."

The other three took on a slightly knowing look (as adults tend to in reference to teenagers), but Squall was the first to say anything in response. "Have you spoken to him about that?"

"No. I would never tell a teenager that their strongest feelings are a result of their age."

"No? At least they'd know they just have to wait out a few years like that."

Despite his own troubles, Naminé didn't expect Cloud to be quite familiar with this concept. "It's hardly that simple. If I were to say that, he hears that he only has troubles _because_ he's a teenager. I've just belittled his feelings and made them seem less important, or rather, less real than an adult's."

Aerith already understood, working almost as closely with kids and teens as Naminé did. "It's no different from telling a woman she's upset only because women are supposedly more emotional."

"Yes, thank you. It also creates a rift between teenagers and adults to make claims like that – an 'us against them' mentality, so to speak. I can't tell you how many teenagers I've spoken to that refuse to take anything to their parents because they feel they're being patronized. Being told that their problems aren't worth considering by adults who have supposedly 'moved past' that 'phase'.

"And, above all, it isn't true. No teenager has difficulties _because_ they are teenagers. Their emotions can become amplified and situations might feel more catastrophic, but they are by no means not real and certainly won't disappear as a direct result of adulthood. Anyway, the teenage years are essential for discovering, experimenting, and learning to deal with new complex emotions, as I mentioned before with Hayner. When they feel you've turned that into a joke, it only isolates them more and worsens their insecurity about expressing themselves."

Naminé cleared her throat before continuing, which was getting awfully sore, and blushed. "I'm sorry, I've said too much. But it really is one of the worst missteps someone can take when counselling a teen."

Fortunately, the others were well used to her going on long tirades when she wanted others to understand her patients the same way she did. Though Naminé was a generally quiet person, it was clear where her passions lay.

"Understandable," Cloud murmured, though truthfully the idea was still somewhat beyond him.

"The best we can do for Roxas is keep him on standby and watch for signs that he's regressing. Take emergency measures if need be but I hope we won't get to that place. That is why I think he and Sora should stay together."

"Alright, understood. But that doesn't tell us what to do about Riku and Axel."

Cloud shifted his arm back over the chair while everyone fought with this problem in their head. "Maybe the best thing we can do is to keep them together. We can't force them apart during the day, and they both need to be exposed to one another. Only way to keep the peace in this place."

"And it's not like we have another reasonable option," Aerith murmured, her eyes now fixed on her shoes.

"As I've said, I'll turn the focus of my sessions with both of them toward living together," she gestured to the man on her left. "I'd prefer if you could moderate for a while, Cloud. I'm afraid Axel resists me and Riku concedes too easily."

"Sure." As though that word had signalled the end of the meeting, Cloud rose from his seat. "I think that's all for tonight."

Aerith glanced at the steadily ticking wall clock. "It's this late already. I really should be getting home."

"Me too," Naminé carefully tucked her hands under her as she stood, smoothing the back of her skirt down.

The four of them made their way through the office door, politely one after the other. Outside the windows, the sky had become the colour which had no trace of anything but black, signifying the deepest part of night. Aerith and Naminé hardly allowed themselves to be awake at this hour, as they started work at least an hour before any of the kids woke up.

"If you'd like, I can drive you home," Aerith offered. She knew that Naminé's home wasn't far from here, and also that she would walk home from work every day. In the summer while the light was just barely fading, and in the winter while despite the dark there was still traffic and good people surrounding her. At this time of night however... while this was not a particularly bad neighbourhood, it had its share of suspicious characters. And Naminé was such a small woman – as far as she could tell, the blonde had frozen in time somewhere around fifteen, maybe younger – so even weak and petty predators could not be taken lightly. Honestly, Aerith would just sleep better if she could be sure she made it home safely.

"Oh. Sure, I'd appreciate that," Naminé flashed that almost unnervingly calming smile of hers. "Just one moment."

Cloud was already half-gone to his own office when Naminé caught up to him. Gently, as though afraid, she placed a hand on his bicep. "Cloud."

"Mm." He'd been taken out of his social mode, as it seemed. That wouldn't make her hesitate.

"If you ever want to see me, you know my door is just as open to you as the kids."

Cloud didn't physically shake her off, but the way the temperature in the room seemed to drop as she suggested it, Naminé thought it better to remove her hand.

But Cloud didn't strike, or snap, or move. He just said, "I know," and moved on as if his stride had never been broken. Naminé thought that was it, but he stopped a moment later in front of the next doorway. "Thank you... Naminé."

"It's my job," her voice was as kind as ever, with a touch of disappointment.

* * *

Squall spent some time alone downstairs after the two women went home to gather his thoughts. It was a practice he often allotted time for. He didn't understand how anyone went around acting and speaking without the time for some reflection. It seemed to give off the impression that he was quiet and callous. Maybe he was that, too.

In the process, he'd cleaned up the kitchen and the first floor office without realising it. It didn't occur to him that he was doing it until he dropped a washcloth wiping down counters. Blinking, Squall finally smiled just slightly to himself and set the cloth down.

He checked the time – he should be in bed. Would Cloud already be asleep?

Not that he'd be exactly against that. He was somewhat easier to communicate with while unconscious – more agreeable, at least, and a sleeping Cloud was anything but hard on the eyes. It was a private right that Squall felt privileged to be his own (and occasionally their closest friends when he was working especially hard).

As it happened, the fantasy of a sleeping boyfriend he entertained – and half-hoped for – wasn't to become reality.

Squall shouldered open the door to the bedroom they shared, his arms filled with toys and clothes and anything the kids had dropped on the floor. He'd redistribute it all tomorrow, along with some sharp reminders about who should really be picking all this up. For now, he set it all down outside to the door.

The light was still on.

"You're up?" Well, that had its benefits too, of course. A conscious Cloud could speak to him, respond to his kisses, his touches, press his lips up against Squall's ear and whisper moans that wouldn't be audible even to another person in the room. Squall didn't like his lovers to be obnoxiously loud anyway. Any chance to see Cloud lose his composure was rare and special. Those moans were only for him. And if Squall was just enough to make his voice a little louder, then all the better...

Squall derailed that train of thought before it could get him into any more trouble. Not tonight, he knew. He really didn't want to be up all night hard and aching with Cloud's breath so frustratingly calm and endearing next to him.

"Mm," Cloud's back was turned and his spiky golden head lowered, but Squall had to assume the acknowledging grunt came from him.

That told him enough. Squall nodded at nothing in particular and undressed without announcement.

"Can you do some errands tomorrow?"

"Hm?" The brunette paused, black shirt pulled half over his shoulders. Each movement shifted the individual muscles visible under his skin; it was nothing if not an agreeable sight to anyone. That might've had something to do with why Cloud still wasn't facing him.

"I'd do it myself, but I've got a case tomorrow," Squall finally saw the files he was shifting through, occasionally scratching something in pen onto them. "Kairi needs antibiotics for her ear infection. Hayner went through another growth spurt, so someone has to take him for new clothes. All the kids need dental checkups, and I'd rather not set up appointments for nine kids over the phone."

Squall tugged his shirt over his head and let it drop into a nearby basket. "Sure. Who's going to watch the house?"

"Already asked Aerith."

"Is she getting paid overtime?" The corners of his lips tilted, guessing at the answer.

"Wouldn't accept it." Of course. The woman was too kind for her own good.

Cloud returned to his files, removing a note clearly not written by him, but in some green-penned chicken scratch. Must have been Sora's work. "The twins are taking us up on their birthday I.O.U. They both want skateboards."

"Hm. I think they're forgetting we run on government money."

"Reminds me," Cloud turned a bit, making visible the spreadsheet he was poring over. "The girls keep asking to take dance lessons. I think we should involve them in something out of the house, but regular lessons when they could be moved any time..."

"And who's going to take them each time?"

"And do we have that kind of funding..."

"We could dock it from Yuffie's pay." It was a bit of a joke between them – if they were capable of that sort of thing. Anything they needed extra money for, they would always threaten to take from Yuffie's pay. They hadn't followed through on that... yet.

But Cloud seemed to have forgotten the joke and looked considering. "Riku has been doing most of her work lately." He scribbled something onto the spreadsheet, then turned it over, picking up another.

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

Squall sat down on the opposite side. "Working in bed."

The bare beginnings of a grin lit Cloud's beautiful features. "Sorry..." He moved as if to set aside his work.

But Squall was anything but one to nag. "Don't worry about it. I can get some done too."

This was answered merely with another nod and Cloud returned to his work. Squall didn't see another conversation approaching on the horizon. Suited him fine.

He climbed into the empty expanse of bed on Cloud's left and reached for his own stack of fray-edged and occasionally fingerprint-stained papers. Shuffling through and occasionally creasing a sheet in his carelessness, he lifted the page he was searching for to the top. Just a print-off thirty day calendar, smudged with ink and bursting with notes so fast and illegible they may as well have been smudges. Squall's handwriting. Fortunately, he'd deciphered it years ago.

Squall usually in charge of scheduling the days – which may seem a tad corporate and rigid to those who have never considered harbouring nine children under the age of seventeen, all but two from entirely separate backgrounds, and all with mild to severe physical, mental, and emotional needs. It was a necessity. This place would have otherwise become an asylum years ago.

With a heavy stroke that always erupted entirely too much ink from a ballpoint pen, Squall jotted in Riku and Axel's meetings with Naminé. He took extreme care in this, and in the process decided he'd pin a copy to the back of their door in the morning. Too often they'd hear that Axel had missed a session, and when confronted would often come back with a range of excused from the understandable, "I thought it was cancelled," to the ridiculous, "I got a fortune cookie that warned me to avoid all blonde women and notepads," to the mocking, "It's against my religion to discuss matters of the flesh on odd Thursdays. Excuse me, I have to meditate". There was also the popular, "I had more _pressing_ things to attend to," and with a crude nod to his fosters' bedroom, "You know how it is".

Unthinkingly, he let out a sigh like a low rumble of thunder preceding the impending storm cloud of having something to say. The kind that makes people debate whether they heard something or not, and then discuss the humidity and pressure levels of the day. Cloud was one of those who searched the sky in all directions for a patch of darkness.

The point of the metaphor being: he looked at Squall in anticipation.

Realising he'd been too obvious to claim that it was nothing now without being infuriating, Squall searched for a topic that hadn't been done to death at their staff meeting. "What's your case tomorrow?"

"Mm? Normal. Two kids. Divorce dispute turned ugly."

"Ah," Squall knew it was unwise to venture. He wouldn't have but for the sudden tension he had to dispel. "Young kids? Brothers? Sisters?"

"School age. A boy and a girl. The boy's a bit older."

"Ah." Squall murmured again, then realised he'd said the same thing twice for lack of any more meaningful response. He didn't miss the way Cloud's jaw tightened.

Between the two of them, Squall more precisely fit the role of 'Stay-at-home Dad'. Though, in truth, his job _was_ running the house. Cloud's own work wasn't the ordinary 9-to-5-briefcase-and-business-lunch affair, either. He worked on the 'field', so to speak, when it came to kids.

Years ago, he'd been an ordinary police officer, but some time before he and Squall met, something had changed that. He went back into training to become a domestic response officer, though it had hardly seemed near his area of interest before.

Squall's own childhood in an orphanage had never left him, and no matter where he worked through his life, he found himself returning to the foster system every time. Once Cloud had started taking in kids to the crisis centre Squall had worked at back then, they saw a lot more of each other. But that's a story all its own, and not for now.

Squall never learned what prompted the career change. Cloud wouldn't say much about it, except that his interests had shifted, and he'd wanted to protect kids. Neither Tifa nor Aerith had any more answer than that, though it was Tifa's suspicion that something he'd seen on a case had changed him.

"You think you'll be out until late?" It was more than they usually talked about work, but something about the way Cloud was reacting to this case made Squall curious. Maybe he knew the people, though there were few people now Cloud knew what Squall didn't, as their circles had meshed quite smoothly.

"Possibly. I'm sure there will be a mountain of paperwork when this is done."

Squall had to almost-smile at that. All the work that Cloud wanted to do was out in the world, helping people, yet the better part of his job by far was paperwork.

The brunette set aside his work, though he hadn't done much apart from writing in the appointments. "I'll take care of the errands then, and pick up groceries while I'm out," After a moment to consider how he'd manage that, he added, "It'll probably kill Hayner with boredom."

Cloud acknowledged that with a nod, then followed suit in putting his papers away. "It's late."

"It is," Squall agreed, then shifted out of bed to get the light. It was long past time for them to sleep – another four hours and the girls would be up. At least they'd learned to play quietly until the rest of the house was moving.

Cloud – his gorgeous Cloud – was already settled, it seemed, turning towards the wall and closing bright blue eyes. In the weak light from the street outside their window, Squall's eyes roved over anything not obscured by blankets, and allowed his attraction to stir again as he unzipped his pants and folded them over a chair.

Easy, he reminded himself as he lifted the covers to lie down beside his co-worker-turned-lover, it was far, far too late for that tonight. They weren't horny teenagers anymore, if they could have ever been described as that.

He must have felt especially affectionate, though, as he leaned to gently kiss the back of Cloud's shoulder before turning away himself. In the still silence of the house, following all that had happened, and their tense conversation, it felt right. Cuddling wasn't their 'thing', nor goodnight kisses, for that matter.

Allowances had to made, though, when the rest of the world had gone insane.

* * *

**A/N.** I don't think anyone wants to hear my excuses for why I haven't been updating, but I hope you'll take my sincerest apologies and believe that I'm trying to find time to write. I have so much planned for you guys.

I'd like to take this time to also note that hakei brought up a good point to me: a lot of the best writers are, and have been for a while, moving away from the fandom. This is something I did once a long time ago but will never do again*. This is first and foremost because I love Kingdom Hearts and its fandom. I tell ya, I know many better writers who have abandoned KH, but I try to fill whatever small part of the void I can. However, my approach to being a fan of something is that it never really goes away. You might lose interest for a while, or just not have time for it, but if you let it, that love will come back. That's how it's always been for me. Sure, I've changed and I've grown, and I don't necessarily still like everything I've ever been a fan of, but it's a part of me, and the love I had for it becomes the love I have for that time where I loved it. Even the stupidest things I enjoyed as a kid, or the stupidest things I enjoyed last year I don't let myself feel ashamed of, because I remember how they made me happy at the time. Doesn't mean it was a good idea, but that's just being alive.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that Kingdom Hearts isn't something that in these years I've stopped liking or felt too embarrassed to like. I don't think that's going to change any time soon. So no, I don't wake up every day and eat, breathe, and sleep Kingdom Hearts, but it's always there, just like every other part of me. I might go for weeks without even thinking about it because I have a life and other interests. So my promise is that even if I'm swamped with work for three months, or in a coma for three years, or something comes along that eclipses my interest in KH for a while, I will always always always come back to my writing for anyone who will still read it. I just love what I do, and what I create, and I love those damn games.

tl;dr. This chapter is half author's note. I'll try to avoid injecting my personal philosophy into my writing in future. Key word: try.

* On that note, I checked on my ancient account and found that a Naruto fanfic I abandoned almost six years ago garnered 200 reviews in 9 chapters. What the hell. That's less of a statement on how professional a preteen writer I was and more on how many horny twelve year olds browse this site. Not that I have anything against horny twelve year olds - that'd make young me a hypocrite. But moving on...

One last time, mark it in your pocketbooks everyone that this story is going M rated next chapter. I wonder who it will be.

PS. Show of hands: who wants Cloud and Squall to be their dads? My hand is up.


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